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Driv.r | Cranky at Christmas over car ads

Driv.r | Cranky at Christmas over car ads

I’ve got to stop watching TV. These Christmas ads are driving me crazy.

It’s hard enough suffering all the merriment and good cheer at the office. When I’m off the clock and on the screen, I don’t want to be bombarded with images of perfect families leading perfect lives. Enough of these super-competent, fun-loving parents and their well-behaved children.

Give me cold hard reality. People like me, leading miserable lives.

Bring on the bad habits and anti-social behaviour.

After all, how am I supposed to feel good about myself when I’m constantly bombarded with images of happy, functional people giving each other cars for Christmas?

Who gives cars for Christmas? And where do they come from?

Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. We don’t want to disappoint the kids.

“Santa I’ve been really good ” says the eight year old. She wants a new Ford Escape. “Dream Big” says Santa.”

There, there. Just pass Daddy those sleeping pills and everything will be fine.

“Have a Honda Wishmas.”

Why not? Because Christmas is expensive enough. That’s why not.

So I go for a drive to clear my head. Nothing like cruising low-rent neighbourhoods when you need to boost your self-esteem. Try the west end of St. John's. Lots of Ladas and Cavaliers out there. That’s better. It seems to be working. See, my car was built in this century. No unfinished bodywork and the doors all match. I’m not doing so bad after all.

But it’s a fragile peace.

“The Magic of the Season is here. The Lexus December to Remember Sales Event!”

Pardon me while I try to forget. Of course, if I really loved my wife I’d buy her a Lexus for Christmas. One for the kids too. Although I’d make them share it because you shouldn’t be over-protective. Make life too easy they go soft.

Just give me a few weeks to sell the house and cash in the retirement fund.

What a loser.

“Unwrap a Mitsubishi!” the ad says. “Get a $1,000 prepaid MasterCard!”

Want that with leather or a sunroof? Go ahead. Order both. The guy across the street — Mr. Offshore — just got a Dodge Ram with a lift kit and fancy wheels that cost more than two weeks in Cancun at high season.

What’s wrong with me?

“BMW - The Happier Holiday Event.”

Sorry — but my holiday would be happier if you stopped reminding me of all the nice things I can’t have.

Time to indulge in a happy thought of my own. Drift back to Christmas past. Probably 1978. A time when I was a bit old for the Santa routine but the elves encouraged me to write a letter so I did. Even lit it on fire and watched the smoke go up the chimney.

Christmas morning there it was: a set of Mastercraft box-end wrenches. The very best Canadian Tire had to offer. Twelve of them sized 6-21 mm. Even though Santa couldn’t understand why anyone would drive a foreign car that needed metric wrenches. Much less that old deathtrap VW. But sometimes Santa just can’t say no. And even then you knew there was a good reason why.

Because today, almost 40 years later, you’ll still find every one of those twelve wrenches nestled in its individual pocket. Somehow they’ve survived as a complete set. None lost, broken or borrowed. They’ve outlasted 16 cars, two trucks and four motorcycles.

And counting.

But who’s counting?

Have a Merry Christmas. Be as generous as you can. Just don’t buy anybody a Lexus.