I'm not saying there's a full-blown crisis in the U.S. financial markets, but the spring fashion outlook for Wall Street has the modern Brooks Brothers power suit being replaced by 1929's vintage barrel-over-naked-torso look. Time for a Very Useful Primer on the meltdown in the credit markets . . .

How did this crisis get started?

It all began in an obscure part of the U.S. mortgage market known as "subprime." What, other than an apt description of every Prince album since 1987, is subprime? Well, the "prime" mortgage market is made up of loans to homeowners with good credit, decent jobs and a steady income. The "subprime" market is made up of loans to homeowners with not those things. Under the theory that all of life's events can be best explained using the Baldwin brothers, a prime mortgage is watching Alec on 30 Rock while a subprime mortgage is getting stuck next to Stephen at a dinner party and having him turn and ask, "Want to hear my thoughts about religion?"

So what's the problem with these "subprime" mortgages?

According to the latest thinking, giving huge loans to people who utterly lack the ability to repay them may not be a foolproof business strategy. Capitalism: surprisingly complex.

Why would banks and other lenders approve mortgages for people with such lousy credit?

Consider the context: from 2002 to 2006, housing prices in the United States kept going up. And a fundamental rule of economics is that when prices go up, they keep going up forever and they never, ever come down. (Hence the term "bubble" market, named after those indestructible spheres of liquid enclosing air.) For a recent example of this phenomenon, we need only look at the dot-com "bubble" of the late 1990s, which has enabled me to secure my kids' university education with Pets.com stock alone.

Uhh, didn't the dot-com bubble actually burst?

This would explain why that sock-puppet dog is doing three shows a night at the Tulsa airport strip club.

Why would folks without jobs, income or assets agree to take on huge mortgages?

People were lured in by low "teaser" rates — interest rates that soared over time, greatly increasing monthly payments. This led to what one columnist has described as "an epidemic of bad lending" followed by what little Billy has described as "those big men taking away the TV and then Daddy saying, 'Hey, wouldn't it be a great adventure to go live under the freeway?' "

How has the crisis affected Wall Street?

Analysts note a sharp decline in the benchmark Currency That Bankers Use To Light Their Cigars Index, which peaked at "a crisp $100 bill" in the summer of 2006 but now resides at "two dimes rubbed together furiously."

In a more worrying sign of growing austerity, many investment banks are encouraging their top executives to henceforth patronize only those prostitutes who validate parking.

Are the top firms strong enough to ride out the storm?

Already there have been casualties. A year ago, Bear Stearns was worth $20 billion. Last week it was worth $3.5 billion. This week it was sold for approximately a ball of string. In a public statement, Bear Stearns CEO Alan Schwartz said the deal "represents the best outcome for all of our constituencies based upon the current circumstances." In a private statement, Schwartz said: "(Sounds of girlish weeping.)"

How was your trip to Disney World?

Thanks for asking. Let me assure you that the vacation was truly magical! One moment I had the will to live and then I went to Disney and — abracadabra! — it magically disappeared. Everywhere we went we saw the same slogan — Disney World: Where Dreams Come True. And many of my dreams did in fact come true, including:

· My dream of being served breakfast by a grouchy woman who sighs exaggeratedly when I mention that I asked for bacon, not sausage, with my Mickey Mouse waffle.

· My dream of interacting with sullen employees who don't know the answers to even the simplest questions about Disney operations.

· My dream of being kicked off a Disney bus and forced to walk to my hotel room because the on-board computer scolded the driver for not being on the correct route.

· My dream of hugging Piglet.

Did that last question have anything at all to do with subprime mortgages?

Only if Piglet agrees to settle down with me and buy that fixer-upper in Santa Fe.

President Bush has got this credit crisis under control, right?

Absolutely. Just last week, Bush gave a big speech to the Economic Club of New York in which he told a bunch of jokes, made light of the meltdown in the capital markets and boasted, "I'm coming to you as an optimistic fellow!" And there's reason for his optimism: record oil prices, record gas prices, massive foreclosures, huge losses in the stock market, investment banks needing government bailouts — a good, old-fashioned depression could be the one thing that makes people forget the war he started.

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