Due to the cruel and unrelenting passage of time, the holiday season is upon us once again.
That means that many of you will be in gift-giving mode shortly, if you aren’t already. Although gift giving is a subtle and delicate art, a common starting point is “what does this person like?” If that’s where you’re beginning your search, there’s a chance the answer for somebody you know will be “the Toronto Blue Jays.”
If you land on the idea that you want to get someone on your list something Blue Jays related there are plenty of good options ranging from tickets, to jerseys, to signed memorabilia.
Perhaps more interesting — or at least more amusingly — there are also a number of downright bizarre things you can go for. That’s what I’m here to chronicle today, the most truly baffling things someone out there believes you will part with your money in order to obtain.
For the sake of not spending my entire life on this list, I stuck to the Blue Jays official shop, and you probably should too because things have a tendency to get the bad kind of weird over on Etsy.
Without further ado, here are the 10 most bewildering Blue Jays gift options this year in a largely arbitrary order.
10 – Blue Jays Women’s Headway Flannel Nightshirt
It’s possible I’m being a little unfair about this product, or maybe I’m just bitter about in not being available in men’s sizes. However, this shirt has a couple of basic flaws that put it firmly in the “bewildering” category.
The first is the collar and the second is the buttons. Anyone who wants to sleep in a collared shirts has a screw or two loose and buttons always potential to dig in somewhere and create a general nuisance. If you’ve got sleep in some kind of shirt make it as shapeless and featureless as possible, I say.
9 – Blue Jays Bucket Pigment Dye Cap
I think everyone can agree that bucket hats are trash in a very general sense. This one is particularly irking, though, because the whole point is that it’s a Blue Jays hat and you can barely see the damn logo.
Also it seems odd to buy someone a hat in December that’s primarily used for fishing (?) if it’s used at all. Nothing about this is going to make you popular with the person you give it to.
8 – Blue Jays 5-Piece Kitchen Knife Set
Of all the household items to put a Blue Jays logo on knives are one of the worst ideas out there. When they are actually in use you won’t see the logo because it will be buried in fruits, vegetables, or possible exotic and illegal game meat — whatever the case may be.
Over time said decal will probably come off entirely, and considering the set is $49.99 I wouldn’t bet on the knives to hold up on their own merit.
7 – Aledmys Diaz Game-Used Bat
This doesn’t work as a collectable because Diaz just got traded from the Blue Jays, was only with the team for one year, and wasn’t particularly impactful in that singular season.
It also doesn’t work as a bat because it’s cracked. It might work as a troll, maybe. Probably not though, and it costs $150.
6 – Blue Jays Plush Jersey Rally Monkey
Let’s put aside for a moment the mildly disturbing visual of a blue monkey. The fact of the matter is that rally monkeys have never been a thing for the Blue Jays. They are a big deal for the Los Angeles Angels, but that doesn’t mean they work up here. This feels exceedingly forced.
5 – Toronto Blue Jays Plush Ace Mascot Studd
Who is this for? Is there someone out there who is a huge fan of Ace, but wished he was more jacked? If he was this bulky you’d have to think his dancing would suffer.
Complete bust for kids and adults alike.
4 – Josh Donaldson Plush Blox
Donaldson was a significant enough figure in franchise history that he’s worth celebrating even after his departure. If you want to buy a Donaldson jersey, you can wear it with pride for decades.
Choosing to honour the “Bringer of Rain” by purchasing a plush cube somewhat in his likeness is about as nonsensical as it gets. Even if you’re desperate for a few right angles and some squish, there’s gotta be a better way to do that.
3 – Blue Jays Reusable Lint Roller
I think it’s safe to say I don’t need to explain why the existence of this product is confusing. I would LOVE to know who pitched it and who accepted that pitch.
2 – Blue Jays Plush Pom Pom Cheerleader Bear
Once again this is pretty simple: Bears have nothing to do with the Blue Jays. The Blue Jays don’t (really, I guess it depends on your definition) have cheerleaders. Bears aren’t known for their cheerleading. Literally nothing here relates to anything else.
The idea of a Blue Jays teddy bear, or even a collection of various ones, isn’t that far fetched, but somehow this is their one foray into the category.
1 – Blue Jays Jolt Charger No Logo (?!?!?!)
If this had a logo it would be stupid. Without one it’s unconscionable.
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