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Who’s Afraid of Mr. Magoo?

The president expresses his concerns on Twitter, and more from Washington this week.

Will Donald Trump find a reason to fire Mr. Magoo and Mr. Peepers? The president, with his deep love of nicknames, fervently denied reports on Saturday that he’s christened Attorney General Jeff Sessions with the former moniker and given Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein the latter. “The Washington Post said I refer to Jeff Sessions as ‘Mr. Magoo’ and Rod Rosenstein as ‘Mr. Peepers.’ This is ‘according to people with whom the president has spoken.’ There are no such people and don’t know these characters . . .” he tweeted. (If you are younger than 71, this second name refers to a character from a 1950s sitcom.)

It is not yet known whether Trump has a nickname for Fox News fulminator Sean Hannity. On Monday, in a courtroom drama straight out of Perry Mason (you are over 70, right?) it was revealed that Hannity is one of the few clients of Michael Cohen, the president’s erstwhile personal lawyer and fixer, a guy who has been likened to The Godfather’s consigliere, Tom Hagen. (But of course, Don Corleone was always nice to Tom; according to the New York Times, Trump has subjected Cohen to decades of verbal abuse and derision.)

Elsewhere on various court dockets this past week, the ex-Playboy Playmate and alleged Trump paramour Karen McDougal reached an agreement with American Media and can now tell all of us every lurid detail of their 10-month romance. On Friday, the DNC sued Russia, WikiLeaks, the Trump campaign, and other entities in connection with the 2016 election hack of Hillary Clinton’s emails. And Michael Cohen’s lawyers have successfully petitioned for the appointment of a special master, which is not yet another person to flagellate their client, but someone who will determine if any of the documents seized from Cohen’s office are protected by attorney-client privilege.

Will Cohen flip? The president seems awfully concerned that his buddy will tattle, spewing tales of collusion, obstruction, tax evasion, payoffs, nefarious business dealings, and other illegal goings-on. According to the Wall Street Journal, Jay Goldberg, the president’s 85-year-old lawyer pal, warned Trump on Friday that “on a scale of 100 to one, where 100 is fully protecting the president, Mr. Cohen isn’t even a one.” Meanwhile, for someone who has nothing to hide, the commander-in-chief is acting pretty fishy. On Saturday morning he tweeted: “Most people will flip if the Government lets them out of trouble, even if . . . it means lying or making up stories. Sorry, I don’t see Michael doing that despite the horrible Witch Hunt and the dishonest media!” There will no doubt be more judicial hijinks to come: To extricate himself from the rising waters all around him, Trump has enlisted the skills of Rudolph Giuliani, who has promised he can wrap up the entire Mueller probe in a couple of weeks, a feat that would rival Jared brokering peace in the Middle East.

And just when you thought you had mercifully heard the last of those pee-pee allegations, here comes former FBI Director James Comey, making the TV rounds to promote his new book and reminding us that the president was obsessed with the golden showers portion of the Steele dossier. Comey also shares that Trump did once actually criticize former National Security Advisor General Mike Flynn, now under indictment: Turns out the president was furious with Flynn because he waited six days before telling him that his BFF Putin had phoned. Nevertheless, the commander-in-chief still seems to have a soft spot for the disgraced general, tweeting at 3:34 a.m. on Friday morning: “So General Michael Flynn’s life can be totally destroyed while Shadey James Comey can Leak and Lie and make lots of money from a third rate book (that should never have been written). Is that really the way life in America is supposed to work? I don’t think so!”

Are you also baffled at how life in America is supposed to work? Rely on the power of positive thinking! Then take a deep breath, and repeat after us the words offered by U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley on Monday, when she was blindsided by the administration’s shifting positions on Russian sanctions: “With all due respect, I don’t get confused.”

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