My biggest parenting mistake was making my kids the center of my world. Women need an identity beyond 'mom.'
I raised five kids as a single mother, and they were my whole world.
I put my kids above my career and social life, making my whole life about motherhood.
Now that my kids are out of the house and I'm alone, I'm struggling to understand who I am.
As a single mother who raised five children, I'm sometimes asked to give advice to new parents. First, I tell them to enjoy every moment, because children grow up quickly. Second, I advise them, especially mothers, not to make their children the center of their world.
That second piece of advice is something I wish I'd known early on. I've been the sole parent to my five kids for over 30 years.
While I worked throughout my children's early years, my profession was not the main focus of my life: My four boys and one girl were. I didn't attend conferences, professional-development activities, workplace gatherings, or social events because I wanted to be home with my kids. I didn't want to miss a second of their childhoods.
But now they're successful adults. Where has that left me? I'm mid-rung on the professional ladder and alone at home. I wish I'd focused on myself as an individual more.
I prioritized my kids over my career
I know it can feel overwhelming to maintain a flourishing career and care for children at the same time.
When young moms ask me how I raised five kids, I tell them I wasn't simultaneously working full time. While my kids were growing up, I worked a few hours each day, mostly long after they'd gone to sleep.
Staying on top of my children's schedules while meeting work deadlines was difficult, especially because my kids always came first. I still remember sitting on the floor at the dentist's office with my laptop open, working as they got their teeth cleaned.
I considered motherhood my full-time job. It required all my energy, focus, and time. But I wish I'd known it was a short-term career. After 18 years, most of us have worked ourselves out of a job — and then what?
I've even struggled to maintain a social life
I spent decades carting my kids to playdates, which meant I didn't have time — or make time — for my own social life.
Even when I was married, my husband and I rarely had date nights. My social circle consisted of other moms who met for coffee after school drop-offs. We never went out on weekends just to have fun.
I'll never forget the evening I left my middle-school-age son home alone so I could attend an event. I promised I'd be home by 10 p.m. At 10:01, he called to ask where I was. Another time, as I was leaving a bridal shower, I took my phone out of my coat pocket and saw I had 11 missed calls.
I love being their mother, but I'm wondering who I am now
After years of sacrifice, the day comes when kids pack up their stuff and walk out the door. I invested my entire being into raising my children, and now they're out of the house and living their own lives.
Part of me is so glad I got to spend so much time with my kids. I believe they benefited from having me at home with them. My children are amazing, successful adults, and I think I did a pretty good job raising them.
Another part of me wishes I'd carved out some time to prioritize myself so that I understood who I was beyond Mom.
Now I'm working on figuring out who I am without them.
Women have more opportunities now than they did during the decades when my children were young. They can find creative ways to maintain a satisfying career and nurture friendships while raising kids, or they can pause their career and focus on their family.
It's all exhausting, and there's no simple answer. But I want all mothers to remember that there will be life after your kids leave. What do you want that life to look like?
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