Black Nazis, Pet Murder and Jewish Space Lasers: Top Scandals of 2024
You could be forgiven if looking back over the past 12 months you find yourself asking… what in the actual, everliving f--- just happened?
Amid the absolute carnage of ‘Dark MAGA’, pet genocide, resurgent Jewish space lasers and sex icon assassins, it feels like 2024’s only true constant has been an almost uninterrupted barrage of bizarre controversies and ‘XYZ-gates’ of a mountingly sordid variety.
Could anyone have foreseen Elon Musk’s ascendance as Dark Lord of MAGA Land, when only in March he was publicly insisting he had no intention of backing any candidate in this year’s presidential race?
Or his subsequent appointment as head of a forthcoming, memecoin-themed White House advisory committee, scything away at the billions spent on social welfare and small business support by those pesky folks over in the Deep State?
Not us, certainly. But then we also didn’t have on our 2024 bingo card an Afro-American Republican lieutenant governor of North Carolina, himself a stalwart homophobe and anti-trans advocate, being outed for allegedly identifying as a ‘Black Nazi’ on a transgender porn messaging forum.
Oh, and that goes double for a Sabrina Carpenter music video quite possibly having triggered an ongoing grand corruption investigation into the Mayor of New York.
Gazing out from the relatively tranquil waters of December 2023, who might have known puppy murder would soon prove the determining factor in who got to appear alongside Donald Trump on the Republican ticket?
Or that South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem would not be the only far-right public figure exposed for animal cruelty, swiftly followed as her ignominious shunting from the race was by revelations Heritage Foundation’s director Kevin Roberts allegedly killed his one-time neighbor’s dog with a shovel, and reports that NRA chief Doug Hamlin once tortured a frat house cat to death?
Far too wild a prospect, to be sure. Just like the notion of the man who contracted a brain worm from eating roadkill, who once decapitated a whale carcass, who believes vaccines cause autism and that polio was eradicated due to better sewage and food refrigeration, literally becoming the next U.S. Secretary of Health, to mention nothing of the sexting scandal that derailed the career of one of America’s most-respected journalists along the way.
That’s a lot of animals in the cross-hairs before we even get to the pets that weren’t killed and Trump’s “eating the dogs” debate rant.
Nor was the generalized insanity confined to the world of politics either, with a steady trickle of sordid new ‘Diddy Party’ details by the day, the unmitigated savagery of the Drake/Kendrick Lamar feud, yet another Bennifer split, arrests made in the death case of Friends star Matthew Perry, J.K. Rowling casually cyberbullying Olympic athletes, and Yeezus reportedly nurturing a MILF fetish to the point of allegedly telling his then-wife he literally wanted to have sex with her mother.
So with the fun all but certain to continue under the reign of ‘President Musk’, and amid mounting signs we’ll be going into January in the midst of a literal government shutdown, it might make sense to exercise special caution with those resolutions for the new year, folks.
Hitting the gym to ditch the love handles? Always. Quitting vaping to take up patchwork embroidery? Course!
Investing in a well-stocked survival bunker as far as possible from the nearest urban habitation, replete with a dependable supply of fresh water, patch of at least quasi-arable land and a small weapons arsenal, as a back-up plan in the face of impending civilizational collapse? Well, duh.
