Warning: this post contains spoilers for the January 29 episode of "Scandal." You've officially been warned.
After a two-month (a.k.a. seemingly endless) wait, last night's "Scandal" finally revealed who kidnapped Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) back in November. As in: we physically saw them -- but we still have absolutely no idea who they are.
No, really. After an hour seeing Olivia in a holding cell, ruining her bra, and having dreams of making jam while being married to the President (who, in this sequence, was just the mayor of their small-town Vermont town), we learn only that Olivia has been kidnapped by guys who'll use her for ransom. That's it. That's all we know.
Really?! (Yes.) And, after watching Olivia eventually escape only to realize she's been kept in a dressed-up warehouse this whole time, we have a few other aspects of this episode we'd like to get a little upset about.
The kidnappers use a 20-second window to kidnap Olivia when she has somebody over instead of waiting until she's all by herself?
We get it: they wanted to create a panic. (And they did!) But if they were going to release a video of Olivia for ransom anyway, why not just release the video? Why take over an old person's apartment to hold Olivia, kill the old person in question, and make Jake (Scott Foley) run after who he thinks is them in his underwear? That's your plan, kidnappers? REALLY?
Then they get Olivia to the holding compound a.k.a. "someplace far away" a.k.a. we'll get to that in a second
But, in said compound, is a "journalist" who's been captured and tells Liv that his former cellmate was murdered by the people holding them. Cool! This is why she decides to tell this complete stranger that the President loves her. Like, basically, "Hello, nice to meet you, I'm Olivia Pope. The President loves me." REALLY?!
And then she keeps talking!
She just keeps telling this complete stranger information because he's scared. And, like, information. She makes him search her back for a tracking device. She tells him the President is looking for her. (Salt in the wounds, much?) And in response, he does... nothing. He whimpers. That's what he has to offer back. And yes -- she keeps saying things. REALLY?!
Then, she tries to escape with zero planning
This is a woman who's life is planning. Yet once she sees a bathroom window, she uses her bra underwire to try and open the lock and escape. Great! Except she starts this process approximately four minutes into her five minute-long bathroom visit. So obviously she gets busted.
And then she actually believes her cellmate's been killed because of her
Why? Because after she gets caught trying to escape, her captors drag her cellmate out of the room and "shoot" him -- off camera -- and return with blood on their faces. As if that's not the oldest trick in the book. (REALLY, Liv?!)
By the way, he's not even dead. He's the leader of the whole damn kidnapping brigade.
Then, Olivia dreams about jam and about Abby (Darby Stanchfield) telling her to loosen the pipe in the bathroom
So... dreams are magic? Liv hadn't seen the under-sink pipe before she found and loosened it post-dream -- so we're expected to believe that dreams transcend logic and magically reveal how to escape? REALLY?!
And finally, after loosening said pipe and concussing one her captors with it, she shoots the other guy and escapes. The problem: she's been held in a warehouse the whole time
As if that is also not the oldest trick in the book. Girl couldn't see outside and was fed lines about the "call to prayer" and never bothered to wait, bide her time, and see for herself. She trusted some dude in a holding cell whom she's never met before and thought, "Well if he says we're in the Middle East, we must be!" REALLY?! Olivia is supposed to be one of the smartest women in Washington, and it didn't even occur to her that she was being played. Really? Really. REALLY?!
And then, once Olivia discovers she's in a warehouse, that's... it? The Leader says he successfully extracted information from her, but all he really learned was that the President loved her. OK. So... that was it? All this for ransom purposes? And now she's back in her cell? Really? REALLY?!
Olivia. Never have a stranger search your back.