Hairdressers trained to help victims of abuse as part of 'Cut It Out' campaign

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. In the news recently have been some exceptional stories about people who are going out of their way to make a difference in the lives of abuse survivors. But the most powerful thing that anyone can do is offer victims hope to find their way out.

“One of the things that kept me in [an abusive] situation longer was thinking it was all in my head, that I was exaggerating the extent of the abuse, making it seem worse than it was,” Jen* from London, Ont. told Yahoo Canada. This was exacerbated, she says, by others ignoring the abusive behaviour, believing it was none of their business.

Making it their business is the prerogative of Alberta salons, the target of the new ‘Cut It Out’ initiative, designed to empower stylists to offer help to clients who are victims. Cortney Lohnes, Education Facilitator for the Stop Abuse in Families (SAIF) Society (which is hosting the program), says many women trust the person who does their hair over even their therapist. Finding that many in the profession felt unprepared to respond, ‘Cut it Out’ was born.

“The ‘Cut it Out’ program is really about empowering salon professionals to have the conversations they want to have,” Lohnes tells Yahoo Canada. “They have this very intimate relationship with their clients that’s ongoing, so they can see subtle signs of escalation. [...] They have this unique capacity to respond, but they often don’t.” Like most average citizens, Lohnes says, “We often don’t respond because we’re scared to implicate ourselves. We’re scared to offend someone.”

The program aims to change this in three ways. First, Lohnes explains, participants are taught to identify potential signs of abuse, including physical and sexual assault, emotional cruelty or verbal harassment, financial coercion and control, spiritual manipulation, and stalking. Second, they are taught how to respond in the moment, refraining from judgment. Finally, participants are empowered to help survivors connect with local resources to help in the safe space of the salon.

‘Cut it Out’ is a collaboration between the SAIF Society and the Neighbours, Friends and Families Program. The program run by the University of Western Ontario’s Centre for Research & Education on Violence Against Women & Children (CREVAWC) aims to “raise awareness of the signs of woman abuse so that those close to an at-risk woman or an abusive man can help.” These programs stress the need to walk the line between silence and safety. While we need to speak out, we also need to protect the privacy of victims, especially from their abusers.

Diane Hill, Senior Director of Public Engagement at the Canadian Women’s Foundation, knows from her experience as a counsellor how dire the situation continues to be for women with abusive partners. But she also knows the power of educating the public.

“67 per cent of all Canadians say they personally know at least one woman who has been sexually or physically assaulted,” Hill said, citing data from the 2012 Angus Reid Omnibus Survey.

Without the benefit of training like the ‘Cut it Out’ program offers, most people are intimidated in the face of family violence. And for good reason. “There are real dangers to leaving. Women are at the highest risk at this time,” Hill told Yahoo Canada. The number of women assaulted or murdered after leaving their abuser has actually risen in Canada recent years, according to a 2011 Statistics Canada report. “We need to be cautious of how our actions impact her.”

She offered four key points of advice for supporting someone experiencing abuse:

1. Listen first. Your opinion doesn’t matter.

That may sound a little harsh, but it’s a truth we all need to hear. In a culture where women are often blamed for their abuse, it’s common for us to react with questions, anger, righteous indignation. None of these help. Keep a neutral face and tone of voice. Make sure she feels heard and knows that she can always talk to you.

Unless, of course, that isn’t true. If you are a survivor who is triggered by the support she needs, don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Just help her find someone else she can talk to and work her way through the rest of these steps.

2. Don’t blame or judge. Believe her and support her. Give her a safe space.

Even if her decisions aren’t the ones you want her to make. This means educating yourself on the many reasons that women choose to stay in a home with an abusive partner. In fact, it may be safer for her to remain at least long enough to come up with an exit strategy.

You don’t just want to avoid judging her. Don’t put yourself in a position where you are attacking his behaviour either. Instead of leading the conversation into a space where she might feel pressured to defend her abusers actions, Hill says, focus on the fact that you are worried about her and you want her to feel safe.

Safe space means being especially cautious and respectful of her privacy. Giving her a brochure from a shelter or sending her an email with the phone number for a hotline could put her in real danger, alerting her abuser that she has sought help. But you can offer her a computer where she can do research that won’t be spied on, a phone to make a call to an expert that won’t be monitored.

3. Take this seriously. It really could be life or death.

The Safety Plan addresses the fact that during and after leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous point of that relationship for a survivor. Before she leaves, a family violence support worker can counsel her, putting a detailed plan in place to keep her and her family safe.

Every night in Canada, more 3,300 women and their 3000 children are sleeping in a shelter because of family violence. According to Statistics Canada, another 200 are turned away because those emergency shelters are full. Having a plan in place can mean the difference between a safe bed to sleep in, and a choice of returning to abuse or spending the night on the street.

4. Ask her what she needs.

She is the expert on her own life. It can be overwhelming to think that if a friend confesses to us, or if we suspect a co-worker is being abused, we are responsible for saving her from that situation. This isn’t your role. There are experts who devote their careers and their lives to doing the work of helping women. All you have to do is help make the connection.

Don’t push her. Ask her how you can help. “Realize that just because she discloses to you one day, that doesn’t mean she wants to talk about it the next,” Hill advises. “Women in abusive relationships have lost so much control over their own lives. Offer them a space where they can take some of that control back.”

What finally helped Jen was a friend who made herself available, but took her own opinions right off the table. “She brought me over for coffee and went through a checklist [of abusive behaviours] online.” Instead of presenting the abuse as an opinion, offering up the words of experts and allowing her to identify the abuse for herself made all the difference. And after connecting her with the services available, Jen’s friend remained a supportive force in her life through the challenges of leaving her abuser.

*Name has been changed to protect a survivor’s anonymity.