Hey, Chicago: Windy City pouts over Toronto’s new status

The announcement that Toronto had surpassed Chicago to become the fourth-largest city in North America was certain to tousle some hair in the Windy City, but who would have guessed the humble way in which we approached the revelation would be the final straw.

We were proud of our success, the growth of our population and economy, not in the least crowing about Chicago’s increasing stagnancy. A piece in Canadian Business suggested that all things considered there was equality between the two cities.

Even that was too much for the Chicago Sun-Times’ Neil Steinberg, who threw a tantrum on Thursday about how unconscionable it was for Toronto to show any pride. In the name of the wounded hearts of Chicagoans, he would have his revenge.

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Steinberg writes:

First of all, can we put to rest this idea that Tim Hortons represents Toronto? It no more represents Toronto than obese, mustachioed men who fall asleep in their chair while watching football represents Chicago. Yes, there are a lot of them. But there is so much more.

Our economy is strong, our housing bubble has yet to burst. Our population is growing at more than three times the rate of Chicago. Some of the continent’s hottest young musical talent came from our underground, and you’re welcome for that.

But this is all falling on deaf ears in Chicago, where they believe the only thing worth seeing is in Chicago. It is the pompous attitude of “ours is better” that has left Steinberg shaken by the sudden realization that, no it’s not.

Torontonians are not “anonymous ciphers” anymore than Chicagoans are cholesterol sponges. We are no more Tim Hortons than they are Walmart.

Steinberg goes on to say that our skyline is boring, highlighted only by a TV antenna, referring of course to the CN Tower, one of the tallest man-made structures in the world, and a practical joke we play on tourists such as himself. Sure, please pay $50 to go to the top of the tower. Everybody does it.

He also oddly derides a monument found outside of the Fairmont Hotel, which shows how invested Steinberg was in researching our city. Thanks for leaving your hotel, chum. You now qualify to write a scathing takedown on Toronto at some point in your career.

[ More Brew: They love us: Chicago newspaper touts coolness of Canada ]

Keep in mind that Chicago's landmark building is the Sears Tower, or whatever it is called now, a black monolith that seconds as a, gasp, TV antenna.

Keep in mind its most famous monument is the fountain from the opening to Married… With Children. Keep in mind it earned its nickname, the Windy City, by throwing a tantrum over who got to host the World Fair.

There is a reason Chicago is so sensitive about this sort of thing. And its name is New York City. Always in the Big Apple's shadow, Chicago needs to scrape and fight to craft its own identity every day. It plays second fiddle in a band that only needs one fiddle. It is the blue-collar brother to Manhattan's flashy success story. It is a hoagie, when you want sushi. It is the Coors Light when you want a beer with flavor.

It is the Blues Brothers… No, wait. That was created by a Canadian.

It is a city that was once nearly destroyed by a barn fire. How very provincial. The idea that it has slipped behind a Canadian city must be very threatening for its self-aggrandized vision as a integral part of the North American landscape.

But rest your weary head, Chicago. We have always respected you. You are necessary. You work hard, you mean well, you suffer harsh winters. You are Winnipeg. Every country needs a Winnipeg.