Torontonians are sure to be overcome with joy starting next month, when the city unveils a line of branded condoms celebrating safe sex in the city.
That’s right. Toronto-brand condoms. Toronto the Good is about to become Toronto the Good Times.
Get your best CN Tower jokes out of the way now, people, because soon every conversation in Toronto will be about exactly how phallic that ridiculous concrete shaft actually is.
Toronto Public Health announced the release of an official line of condoms on Tuesday in a bid to promote safe sex. Because apparently Rob Ford simply wasn’t getting the message across.
The "limited-edition" condoms will be released on June 4 and made available in bars, clubs, hotels and gyms (not to mention health clinics) across the city after that.
The city has made available a map of locations where the condoms are currently expected to be available, which are mostly bars, restaurants and other downtown businesses near Yonge and Church streets, where World Pride Festival will be held in late June.
The program follows the well-lubricated path taken by similar campaigns in New York City and Los Angeles.
"Why are cities branding their own condoms? It's simple. When condoms are more easily accessible and available, condom use tends to increase," reads a statement released by the city.
Still, there are obvious problems with the Toronto-made campaign.
First of all, any effort to use Drake's hit song "Started From the Bottom" in the campaign's instructional video could cause mass confusion.
Secondly, the sheer volume of men who will begin referring to their genitals as their Libeskind could shut down the city.
Still, it's about time Toronto embraced the sexual tone that has been thrust into the centre of its cultural identity.
The city's most notable structure is a 553.33 metre-high shaft and its city hall is nicknamed The Clamshell.
There are rumours of a sex tape starring the city's mayor – the same fellow who publicly declared he had "more than enough to eat at home." (Rest easy, Toronto Public Health says condoms also help decrease the risk of sexually transmitted infections in oral sex.)
Taking our public transit is colloquially called Riding The Rocket. The Toronto Maple Leafs frequently shoot without scoring. Plus, after the NBA officiating in the Toronto Raptors' recent playoff series, it's clear that we are all getting screwed.
So show your love for the city by engaging in intercourse while using Toronto brand condoms. Prove to New York and Los Angeles that you can have just as much fun in Toronto. Even if we’re a little smaller.
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