The Golden Globes air this Sunday, Jan. 13 at 8 p.m. ET on CTV and NBC, and hosts Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are well prepared. In a recent feature by The Hollywood Reporter, the comedy stars and best friends -- since 1993, thank you very much -- discussed not only the technicalities of the actual ceremony, but also revealed their way to keep the broadcast interesting at home. Their solution? A Golden Globes drinking game.
"Any time an actress cries in a speech, drink," said Fey. "Any time you see a person not listening to someone onstage, drink."
"Any time someone says, 'I didn't prepare anything!'" Poehler chimed in.
And the rules continue. For any time Judi Dench is shown or Maggie Smith wins anything, you must take off an article of clothing. For every time somebody thanks Harvey Weinstein, you must eat an entire meatball sub.
So of course, that got us thinking: an old-fashioned drinking game is just what an awards ceremony needs to make up for two hours of pomp and circumstance! So, we came up with a few of our own additions to make the Golden Globes go by a little bit faster. (Disclaimer: If you are under the legal drinking age, please play this game with soda. Or water, actually. Water's better for you. Don't drink and drive!)
- Drink any time a celebrity smiles politely after losing an award
- Drink any time somebody claims, "It's an honour just to be nominated!"
- Eat three slices of pizza for every insider reference (e.g. the winner acknowledges a nominee from a movie they did together years ago)
- Eat one pack of jellybeans for every winner who says they "can't believe this!"
- For every tear that spills down a celebrity's cheek, take one sip of beverage
- Take three gulps every time somebody gets played off stage mid-speech
- Cheers and salute the TV for every actor who appears onstage visibly inebriated, or references said inebriation
- For every look of shock or bewilderment, add more drink to your glass
- For every winner who can barely speak, drink the full aforementioned glass
- Every time someone seems to be having a fun conversation at a table you wish you were sitting at, drink three different kinds of drinks
- For every well-spoken person who manages to avoid these cliches, declare them "no fun" and eat four slices of pizza in between the rest of your drink stash
See also: The complete 2013 Oscar nominations
With these simple (and not-so-simple) rules, what could be otherwise just be another two-hour award show is now a marathon of excess and gluttony. Please remember that if you can't find gourmet jelly beans, you are to replace them with full-sized chocolate bars.
The 2012 Golden Globe Awards air Sunday, Jan. 13 at 8 p.m. ET on CTV and NBC.