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Can Chris Pratt’s celebrity friends please simmer down?

Pratt has been criticized for his conservative views (Rex Features)
Pratt has been criticized for his conservative views (Rex Features)

There is a great injustice in the world, and no one is talking about it. Well, that’s not entirely true. Some celebrities are talking about it, but they’re doing so in a way that suggests their cause is in need of more awareness, more outrage, and more support than it has garnered so far.

Celebrities are incensed. Celebrities are speaking out. About what, you ask? Well, about the Twitter poll, of course – the unofficial, meme-esque, very-much-meant-to-be-a-joke Twitter poll according to which Chris Pratt is the least excellent of the four Hollywood Chrises.

If you’ve never heard of the four Hollywood Chrises, allow me to explain. The current entertainment landscape revolves partly around four men named Chris – a notably common name, it seems, in Tinseltown. Three of the four Chrises have appeared in the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Chris Hemsworth as Thor; Chris Evans as Captain America; and Chris Pratt as Star-Lord. The fourth Chris, Chris Pine, is perhaps best known for playing James T Kirk in the Star Trek reboot films, though he has also dipped his toes in the MCU by way of a voice role in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.

The mythology of the four Chrises has been subject to social media fascination for years. Some people have a favorite Chris. Conversely, they also tend to have a least favorite Chris.

On 17 October, a Twitter user — whose account I’m not going to link to because I daren’t imagine the state of her mentions — posted a photo of each Chris with the caption “one has to go”. A majority of people seemed to agree that out of all four, Chris Pratt was the one they would choose to get rid of.

Ranking celebrities is nothing new. Every year, People magazine gives one male celebrity the coveted title of “sexiest man alive”. There can only be one sexiest man alive, and a lot of runner-ups. People understand that. Superlatives are by nature exclusionary. Select the sexiest man alive, and you will automatically imply that everyone who is not picked is not currently the sexiest man alive. Similarly, there can only be one best Chris, just as there can only be one worst Chris.

None of this means that anyone who’s not the sexiest man alive is not sexy at all. None of this means that the worst Chris is a terrible Chris. Perhaps all four Chrises are excellent, just in varying degrees. The poll did not specify, because the poll was meant to be a joke.

Pratt’s celebrity friends, however, have reacted somewhat… disproportionately to this whole issue. There have been breathless social media posts, inspirational quotes, and impassioned testimonies asserting Pratt’s greatness.

Mark Ruffalo – usually one of the voices of reasons in Hollywood – tweeted: “You all, [Chris Pratt] is as solid a man there is. I know him personally, and instead of casting aspersions, look at how he lives his life. He is just not overtly political as a rule. This is a distraction. Let’s keep our eyes on the prize, friends. We are so close now.”

Robert Downey Jr, a Marvel household name like Ruffalo, suggested that those who take issue with Pratt “delete your social media accounts, sit with your OWN defects of character, work on THEM, then celebrate your humanness”.

Zoe Saldana, also Pratt’s co-star, shared: “You got this [Chris Pratt]. Your family, friends, colleagues & everyone who’s ever crossed paths with you knows your heart and your worth!”

Not to pour water on this touching display of solidarity, but… might it perhaps be useful to take a deep breath for a minute? In the words of the unforgettable Kourtney Kardashian, “there’s people that are dying” – but really.

I’m not a fan of celebrity-bashing as a general rule. In the land of takes, criticising famous people is a low-hanging fruit, with little novelty left to offer. You mean to tell me very sheltered, very wealthy people – many of whom were subjected to intense scrutiny from a young age while being thrown into one of the most toxic environments on Earth – aren’t acting in the most rational way possible?

I mean, yeah, I believe it.

But there is something truly astounding in the disproportion between the original take (that Chris Pratt is less of a crowd favorite than three other men named Chris) and the reaction to it (which suggests that Pratt has been unfairly maligned). Imagine living in a world where people are so certain of your worth that a few tweeters implying you’re not the absolute best is a grave insult.

It seems that Pratt’s friends are under the impression that the actor is being unjustly demoted for his perceived political and religious beliefs. Pratt has been accused of attending a church with an anti-LGBT stance, which he has disputed. He has also been photographed wearing a T-shirt adorned with the Gadsden flag, the symbolism of which has shifted over the years.

As far as his own political views, Pratt told Men’s Fitness in 2017 (in a story that referred to him somewhat ironically as “the All-American Actor Everybody Loves to Love”): “I really feel there’s common ground out there that’s missed because we focus on the things that separate us. You’re either the red state or the blue state, the left or the right. Not everything is politics. And maybe that’s something I’d want to help bridge, because I don’t feel represented by either side.”

If people – and by people I mean Twitter users casually taking part in a poll in a fleeting moment of comic relief amid a global pandemic – are put off by that, well, that’s their right. Not to go all First Amendment on you, but last time I checked, freedom of speech just means you have to let people say what they want. Nothing, and no one, dictates that you must like it. Or that you must rank it first, second, or third – but not fourth – in a Twitter poll.

The people jumping to Pratt’s defense as if he’s just been accused of murdering a basket of puppies are well-versed in the ruthless nature of Hollywood. They have presumably had disastrous auditions, missed out on roles, been snubbed for awards, and all the tough stuff that comes with a career in entertainment. So what gives?

Maybe celebrities are, in fact, not OK. Stars, they really are just like us.