Colbert tells science to 'stop studying things' after new study claims processed food is hurting us

Stephen Colbert hilariously took issue with science and went on a little rant on The Late Show With Wednesday, after a new study, presented Monday at the Alzheimer's Association's International Conference, announced that eating ultra-processed food is affecting our health and significantly decreasing brain function.

"Stop it, science," said Colbert straight into the camera. "Just stop studying things. This is why people turn against you and start eating horse paste! What's next? Puppy kisses cause herpes? Exposure to Chris Evans is depleting the ozone layer? Just let us have nice things!"

Colbert also said the study was "ridiculous" because he eats processed foods all the time and he's totally fine. However, he didn't like the fact that the study's research also shared that "just 100 calories of processed foods can affect your physical health. So, that's two cookies."

Colbert joked, "Okay, if eating two cookies hurts my brain, I'm going to eat three more cookies to hurt my brain just enough to forget how bad it was to eat the first two cookies." Of course, it didn't stop at just cookies. The list of foods we should be avoiding includes everything that brings fun and joy to our lives – bread, crackers, fried snacks, ice cream, candy, and soda.

However, Colbert made a good point, when he stated, "Here's some facts for you, science. If you want us to live a long time you have to understand something: We're all just living to get to the next cookie. Sometimes we stop eating for weeks at a time to lose a few pounds so we can go on vacation and gain those pounds back eating cookies. The tide goes out so it can come back in." Ultimately, Colbert finished his funny rant by basically saying: can't stop won't stop.

"I will only stop eating cookies when I die. And if I die because I ate too many cookies, then I won," said a joking Colbert.

Video Transcript

[AUDIO LOGO]

STEPHEN COLBERT: A new study warns, "Eating processed food like ice cream hurts brain function."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

- Oh!

- Ooh!

- Ooh!

[LAUGHTER]

STEPHEN COLBERT: Stop it, science.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLIE MAR: On "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert," Wednesday night, Colbert hilariously took issue with science.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Just stop studying things. This is why people turn against you and start eating horse paste!

[LAUGHTER]

What's next? Puppy kisses cause herpes? Exposure to Chris Evans is depleting the ozone layer? Just let us have nice things!

[CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLIE MAR: According to a new study presented earlier in the week at the Alzheimer's Association's International Conference, eating ultra-processed food is hurting our brains and affecting our health.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Oh, that is ridiculous. I eat processed foods all the time, and me brain flip race car.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLIE MAR: This study also pointed out that it only takes 100 calories of processed foods to affect our health, the equivalent of two cookies. But Colbert made a good point.

STEPHEN COLBERT: If you want us to live a long time, you've got to understand something-- we're all just living to get to the next cookie.

[LAUGHTER]

Sometimes, we stop eating for weeks at a time to lose a few pounds so we can go on vacation and gain those pounds back eating cookies.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLIE MAR: Of course, it didn't just stop at cookies. The list of foods we should be avoiding includes everything that brings fun and joy to our lives. So Colbert finished his rant by basically saying, can't stop, won't stop.

STEPHEN COLBERT: I will only stop eating cookies when I die. And if I die because I ate too many cookies, then I won.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING]

[AUDIO LOGO]

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