I didn't know my love language until I was 38 and divorced. It took the right person to show me I need physical touch.

Couple on a date
The author didn't know her love language was touch until she was 38.Courtesy of the author
  • In my previous relationship I was showered with fancy gifts.

  • When I got divorced I craved connection and closeness, which I wasn't getting.

  • Now I'm dating someone new and have learned that touch is my love language, not gifts.

During my first marriage, I was showered with sparkly earrings and jewelry, luxurious handbags, trips, and dinners instead of long embraces and slow kisses.

Looking back, it seemed like material stuff was the love language of the relationship. Only these gifts did not make my heart strum.

When I met my ex-husband, I was a body part model, using my hands, feet, and legs for photoshoots where my body was the focus, but I did not always feel sexy in bed. At the start of the relationship there were some sparks and fancy dinners with my ex, but throughout the marriage I didn't feel truly desired.

I craved a closeness where comfort and understanding were the foundation. The feeling of connection, desire, and adoration was missing, along with not being able to keep your hands off each other.

I met someone who made me discover my love language

I remember lying in bed after my divorce and feeling stiff like I was in a coffin. I didn't expect ever to escape my heavy heart.

Dan was recovering from an awful divorce, too. He sent me a message on Facebook, and then our first phone calls brought a change in me. We had dated in college; he was so shy then, but I remembered how we shared long hugs in between classes. I wasn't expecting to reconnect with him or fall in love again.

While getting to know each other again, long hugs with big squeezes, lasting 30 seconds or longer, became our way of showing each other we care. In his arms, I didn't feel like a tensed-up divorced mom of two who was nearing 40 years old, and had trouble climaxing during my previous marriage.

With Dan, there was intimacy between us at dinner (sitting side by side so our legs could touch), at the park (holding hands while walking), while watching a movie (I wanted to cuddle even closer), and even at the grocery store I'd lean my head against his shoulder softly and feel at ease while we added pasta or cucumbers to our cart.

Touch is my love language

Ironically, I'm experiencing the most sensual feelings and lovemaking when I'm noticing the most changes to my body, like slower metabolism, a squishy tummy that I can't get rid of, and some gray hair. When Dan's hands moved across my curves or he hugged me close and could feel that my stomach was not flat, I knew he didn't care that my body had changed. Somehow, I'm accepting myself more, too.

I've learned that chemistry is a real thing. When we kiss, it's as though our mouths fit together and just know what to do. When he's at work, I text him, "I love your touch."

When I ask him for a hug while talking about some of the stresses of the day, his embrace somehow makes me feel both understood and desired at the same time. He welcomes my mushiness and, most importantly, respects me.

I never expected my sex life to improve as I aged, but it happened, and I'm grateful to have someone who truly gets me

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