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The Grammys is like a primary school ceremony – everyone gets a prize

Harry Styles won the top prize: Album of the Year - Reuters
Harry Styles won the top prize: Album of the Year - Reuters

It was a very good Grammys for the British music business, punching well above our weight at the biggest music award show in America, and (according to the Grammys’ own self-publicity anyway) the world. Harry Styles won big, with Sam Smith, Adele, Wet Leg and Ozzy Osbourne picking up a sprinkling of minor prizes to make it look like we still matter, bless. The UK may be in the midst of a bout of introspective self-doubt about our loss of status worldwide, but at least the Yanks still love us.

To put this into perspective, according to industry analytics service Chartmetrics, there is only one British artist in the global top 10 right now: Ed Sheeran, who didn’t even release any music last year. But it’s not just the UK that should be worried – there are only three US artists in there also, outgunned by Canadians, Colombians, Barbadians and Puerto Ricans. That tiny island nation (pop 2.6 million) produced the breakaway star of the year, reggaetón rap singer Bad Bunny, Spotify’s most-streamed artist for the third year running, who had to settle for a consolation prize of winning for Best Música Urbana Album (for Latin Urban albums).

That’s the thing about the Grammys. They have 91 categories. Ninety-one! It's like a primary school prize day where no one has to go home empty-handed. The ceremony goes on all day, with only the end bit televised for audiences at home, so they don’t have to sit through Best Improvised Jazz Solo, Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/Song, Best Regional Mexican Music Album (including Tejano) or Best Album Notes.

Just in case any Grammy observers hadn’t already lost the will to live, they added five new awards last night, including Best Score Soundtrack for Video Games and Other Interactive Media (not to be confused with Best Score Soundtrack for Visual Media including Film and Television). Whew, I mean, we wouldn’t want to get them mixed up, right?

With odds like that, it would be surprising if we plucky Brits didn’t win something, I suppose. I may have nodded off during the four-hour televised running time, so it took me a while to work out which two awards quirky indie rockers Wet Leg had actually won. It turned out to be Best Alternative Music Album, Vocal or Instrumental, and Best Alternative Music Performance.

Adele with her consolation prize - Getty
Adele with her consolation prize - Getty

Sam Smith won for Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Adele got Best Pop Solo Performance (a consolation prize to hide the fact that everyone thinks 30 is a bit of a dud) and Ozzy Osbourne got not one but two in some vague rock categories otherwise known as Better Give Them Something While They’re Still Around award.

But the night belonged to Harry Styles, who showed up in a nipple-baring multi-coloured jumpsuit, with the dazed expression and bedhead hair of a hippy who had woken up onstage in the middle of a production of Godspell. At least he was upholding a long and cherished tradition of pop stars making parents scream at the television: “What does he think he looks like?”

Harry carried off the biggest prize of the night for Best Album of the Year. “This doesn’t happen to people like me very often,” he blurted bafflingly. What? White male household name former boy band pop superstar wins award! Hold the front page! Or maybe ask Beyoncé to hold it for you.

The US RnB superstar made history when her thunderously great Renaissance picked up a gong for Best Dance / Electronic Album, bringing Beyoncé's lifetime tally of Grammy awards to a record-breaking 32 … only one of which has ever been for the top prizes.

The Grammys have a historical problem with black artists and black musical genres, and no amount of fiddling with award names and inventing new categories has been able to change that. Beyoncé even got beaten for Song of the Year, when her monumental multi-million streaming Break My Soul was seen off by veteran blues and folk singer-songwriter Bonnie Raitt’s Just Like That, which never troubled the top 100, but presumably got the Academy members ageing toes tapping.

But never mind about any of that. “The Brits are coming! The Brits are coming!” When Harry Styles, who also won Best Pop Vocal Album, and his supporting band Wet Leg go on their stadium UK tour this summer, they can bill it as a four-Grammy tour. I bet that’ll pack the kids in.