Gwyneth Paltrow Says She 'Hurt People,' Apologizes as She Reflects on Turning 50: 'I Am Imperfect'
Bertrand Rindoff Petroff/Getty Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow is looking back at her past self ahead of her milestone 50th birthday.
The actress, 49, shared a black-and-white photograph of herself jumping in a bikini on Instagram Thursday.
In the caption of her post, the Glee alum wrote, "Musings on a milestone," and directed her followers to a link in her bio to her Goop blog, where she spoke candidly about her thoughts on turning 50 next week.
Noting that is she moving into a "new territory" of her life, Paltrow said doing that "requires owning my mistakes and finds me prostrate, praying I have learned from them all."
"Accomplishments (or things I did), though known and quantifiable, feel part of this linear past, less relevant. My errors, which live in the shadows, slippery and dark, are harder to define," she added. "Not because I don't know what they are, but because we keep them hidden, out of the logbooks."
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Continuing her candid blog post, Paltrow then noted that the "transition into the sweetness requires these be brought into the mind to adjudicate (do amends need to be made to anyone or to myself?), then into the heart, to be forgiven."
"I have hurt people, never intentionally, but I have done so just the same. I have let people down by not being who they needed me to be. I have betrayed myself to keep the peace," she wrote. "I have crossed lines, the thoughts of which sometimes rip me from sleep and suspend me into the hollowness of shame for a long, dark night."
Still, the Oscar winner said that "most regretfully, and so often, I have not spoken my truth to spare some perceived consequence, that hurting someone will tear us both apart."
"My most lasting mistakes and the mess that comes with them have all stemmed from me not standing fully in my truth and speaking from it, come what may," added Paltrow.
Paltrow, who is mom to daughter Apple, 18, and son Moses, 16, with ex Chris Martin, also wrote that she is "not sure I believe in going back in time to correct mistakes," adding, "Every one of those sleepless hours that came from one of these transgressions against myself or others has led to something."
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"Something meaningful, I hope. If nothing else, they have led me to a path of questioning. Of seeking a better version of myself," she continued.
Paltrow then apologized to "anyone that had a negative experience with me," writing, "I would like to fully acknowledge myself. I am imperfect, I can shut down and turn to ice, I have no patience, I swear at other drivers, I don't close my closet doors, I lie when I don't want to hurt feelings."
But, she also continued to highlight the good in herself as well, stating, "I am also generous and funny. I am smart and brave. I am a searcher, and I can bring you along on my quest for meaning. When I love you, you will feel it encompass you through time and space and till the end of the earth. I am all of it."
Looking ahead to her upcoming chapter, Paltrow focused on what she wants to do next and the little things in life that can make her goals obtainable.
"I would like to slow down. I would like to retreat a little bit. I would like to make my circle smaller," she wrote. "I would like to cook dinner more. I would like to see misunderstandings become understandings. I would like to continue to open the deepest part of myself to my husband, even though it scares me. I would like to sing more, even if it's just in the shower."
