My husband and I met online 20 years ago when dating sites didn't even require photos. My online-dating advice is still relevant today.

Laurie Ulster and her husband
Courtesy of Laurie Ulster
  • Back when I was single, a friend made me create a dating profile despite being hesitant. 

  • That friend guided me through the whole process of online dating. 

  • The secret to success is to avoid creating a false sense of intimacy before you meet in person.

A friend texted me late one night, "What is the progression from dating-site-chat to email? Or straight to texting?"

She sees me as an expert because I met my husband on a dating site, and it's been pretty fabulous ever since, but I wasn't sure I was the right one to ask since it happened over 20 years ago. This was back in the prehistoric days of online dating when most people didn't even post photos.

Just to get on the site, you had to fill out a lengthy questionnaire that covered everything from your religion to what you wanted for your next birthday. I still remember my husband's answer to that one because it made me laugh out loud.

I was on a dating site before there was social media

My experience was also long before social media, so I understood her reluctance to share personal information. Once you reveal your full name, it's open season on your Twitter feed, your Instagram pictures, your LinkedIn profile, and just plain Google.

But the strategy I used still applies, at least if you're a heterosexual woman.

I was guided in this at-the-time unusual process by my friend Lou. He knew I yearned to be in a relationship but hated the bar scene, so he told me to fill out a profile. I put him off at first, saying I'd think about it. "I'm creating a profile for you right now," he said. "So you'd better get online and do one yourself if you want to have input."

Two weeks of messages, two weeks of phone, then move forward

As my friend's text reminded me, it's a giddy experience. I loved opening the site and finding a bunch of messages in my inbox, then deciding which ones deserved replies and which ones went in the trash.

When I reported back to Lou that I was talking to a couple of interesting men, he insisted that I move them to the next phase. If you just want lots of flirty distraction, by all means, keep playing on those sites, but if you are looking for something real, follow Lou's advice: No more than two weeks on the site exchanging flirty messages.

Then it's time to move along — which meant to the phone. Intimacy needs to be earned. Talk on the phone for two weeks, he advised, and if that goes well, it's time to meet in person. Chemistry is an unpredictable animal, and you can have great conversations online or on the phone but, no zing whatsoever in person, so don't waste your time.

I worried my method was outdated, but my friend says it's spot-on

So now it's over 20 years later, and here's my friend, trying to figure out if she should move a conversation to email. Times have changed, but humans are still the same. I suggested moving out of the online world entirely and going old-school as we did. Have an actual conversation over the phone.

Later, she told me that COVID and virtual dating in midlife add some texture and tension to everything and that my advice — Lou's advice, really — still holds. May we all find our partners for life and live happily ever after.

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