I'm in a relationship but I fancy someone else - what do I do?

How tricky is this? You are happily ensconced with your partner when all of a sudden you realise you have developed feelings for someone else. Maybe they are at work and have always caught your eye and you have resisted. Maybe they are a friend who has been right in front of for years, but something has changed.

It is a problem lots of us have had to deal with. Statistics suggest 50 per cent of those in a relationship have feelings for other people. Depending on where you sit on these things, having a bit of a flirt never did anyone any harm - until of course, it did…

Anything can suddenly make us notice someone. Maybe they’re drop dead gorgeous. Maybe they just make you laugh and the everyday drudge of work seem less cumbersome. Or perhaps you’re just a bit fed up with your partner and in a place where it is easier to acknowledge feelings for someone else. Perhaps these feelings are helpful in that they actually tell you that something needs to change in your relationship.

But however it happens, finding you really liking someone else can be a delicious distraction or a serious worry.

All of a sudden you can’t stop thinking about them. You notice every last thing they say and do and maybe spend some time working on what’s rapidly becoming a favourite fantasy of what sex or even a relationship would be like.

It is particularly difficult when we find we have feelings for a close friend, especially if they are a mutual friend of you and your partner. Wherever this new person has popped up from, should you spill the beans or keep it to yourself?

Of course keeping it secret may become a big problem if you’ve confided your new feelings to another friend. Friends, as couples in counselling can often attest to, can have very loose tongues so be careful who you choose to share things with. It’s not unusual for partners to find out what we’ve been up to via a friend.

The main thing is not to beat yourself up about having these feelings in the first place. It’s normal to be attracted to other people sometimes. The reality is that for most people feeling attractive and desired boosts confidence and getting this sort of attention from someone, whether we know them or not, can feel really good. What’s not so good of course is where we might constantly seek the approval, admiration and even lust from everyone we meet. Again, counsellors everywhere work with clients who feel that they must conquer everyone they come in contact with. The exhaustion and destruction that this kind of issue can bring to a relationship is enormous and individual or couple therapy is a helpful route if you recognise yourself from that description.

But if that is not you and it is just the occasional flutter that makes you feel good and isn’t acted on, then the best advice is probably to just enjoy it.

In some relationships where both partners are secure and relatively open minded, talking about crushes can actually be a positive thing that brings them closer together. Sometimes it can even be sexy. But that can come down to who it is you have the crush on. It is probably not a good idea to confess to your partner that you fancy their sister, or dad. Some things are just better left unsaid! It’s up to you to gauge which crushes (if any) you can discuss with your partner.

So when does having feelings for someone else turn into an affair? Some people think that affairs are OK providing a partner doesn’t find out. Others don’t care if a partner finds out and some relationships go through painful spirals of despair when one or other partner regularly gets involved with other people. In counselling it’s not uncommon for someone to say that they didn’t realise they were drifting towards an affair with a friend or colleague and that it ‘just happened’. Not surprisingly it can be very difficult for a partner to hear this as it tends not to bode well for making sure it doesn’t happen again and very soon all trust has flown away.

But probably, if we’re honest, most of us have our own code of conduct in situations like this. So for example, having a coffee with a friend, listening to their problems or helping them out in some way might seem fine and an OK thing to do and certainly no threat to a relationship. The problem is though that sometimes our partners have a different code to us and spending hours with a friend offering endless support and guidance can sometimes drift into developing an attachment which becomes a threat to the primary relationship. So really finding out from a partner what they consider to be stepping over the mark is not a bad idea.

However none of these weightier considerations should deter us from enjoying a little bit of attention but recognising it for what it is. If we feel that the reason we’re enjoying it a little too much is because there are problems with a partner then the best advice would definitely be to sort out whatever is going on at home.

In the meantime, if you do have feelings for somebody and you’re worried that you might act on them, maybe try to spend less time alone with them. Instead of going to lunch together why not invite somebody else along. But if you are happy in your relationship, realise that it’s OK to be in love with somebody and have crushes on other people simultaneously.

It may be hard to hear but I’m sure your partner has them too, whether they admit to them or not. And in a curious way, sometimes it’s the very fact that we may be in a happy relationship that makes it feel safe to notice someone else, nothing wrong with that but look, don’t touch might be a handy tip to remember.

Ammanda Major is a Senior Consultant on Sex Therapy at Relate and also write’s the charity’s regular agony aunt column, Ask Ammanda.

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