Many Christmas songs are bad, but these are the 10 worst

You know Dasher and Dancer and Pran … ugh, you know the rest of it.

Yes, Virginia, while there is a Santa Claus, the music of the Christmas season can make you shift from having the feels to the flinches in the jingle of a bell.

But even bad songs are tough to whittle into a list and culling some of the worst offenders is highly subjective.

While many are quick to vilify “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” it’s a challenging song to dissect. No doubt there are many ick factors inherent in the Oscar-winning duet made famous by Dean Martin and Marilyn Maxwell and covered by seemingly everyone with vocal cords. But when put into context that songwriter Frank Loesser penned it to sing with his wife as a way to nudge guests to leave their housewarming party, it feels as if the cancellation police need to take a beat.

Another popular contender is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time.” It should be impossible to smear such well-intentioned tune that also possesses a marvelous McCartney melody, but some people can't stomach its sappy leanings.

There are plenty of other lumps of audible coal to avoid. Here are the 10 worst Christmas songs.

10. NSYNC, ‘I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas’

Christmas isn’t about the birth of Christ, spending time with people and exchanging gifts, visiting Santa at the mall (or whatever virtual version there is now) or submersing yourself in tinsel and trees?

Not according to Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lance Bass and Joey Fatone because for NSYNC, the meaning of Christmas is all about … finding a girlfriend. Then, and only then, when you realize “in all of the rush, I was missing so much” until “Girl, you made me finally see,” will you truly understand the Christmas spirit.

9. Neil Diamond, 'Cherry Cherry Christmas'

This feels like a song born out of a marketing meeting. “Hey, let’s see if Neil can take some of his most beloved song titles and phrases and turn them into a Christmas song.” “Great idea! His fans will devour it!”

Some probably did. And while Diamond is indisputably one of the most notable songwriters in contemporary music, this is a song sung blue for all the wrong reasons.

8. The Killers, ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’

If ever a Christmas song deserved a “what drugs were they on when they recorded this?” reaction, this is it.

It feels like the band is playing a joke on fans. The weird conversation between singer Brandon Flowers (“Don’t shoot me, Santa Claus, I’ve been a clean living boy, I promise you”) and Santa (“The party’s over, kid, because I’ve got a bullet in my gun”). The plodding beat that suddenly escalates into what would be a decent chorus in any other context before it spirals again. And the video, showcasing a diabolical Santa holding Flowers hostage in the desert while gleefully digging his grave.

All of it might have been intended as satire, but as Katy Perry learned this year, sometimes the sardonic is just stupid.

7. The Pussycat Dolls, ‘Santa Baby’

There are only two acceptable versions of this song: Eartha Kitt's original and Madonna. This big band take of a song already teetering on irredeemable absurdity, wants to be lush and seductive. But instead it’s flat and charmless, with singing (from many of the Dolls) on par with the fun karaoke planned for your workplace Christmas party.

6. Lou Monte, ‘Dominick the Donkey’

The guy who popularized "Pepino the Italian Mouse" turns his questionable charm to an Italian Christmas donkey that helps Santa bring presents (“made in Brooklyn,” of course). Dominick wisely doesn’t have much to say beyond “la la la” because Monte and songwriters Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg and Wandra Merrell – yes, it took three people to write this drivel – are too busy imitating the rhythmic thread of “That’s Amore” to concentrate on lyrics.

5. New Kids on the Block, ‘Funky Funky Xmas’

If you make it past the opening 12 seconds of “ho ho ho”s delivered in bizarre vocals intending (we think) to sound like Santa Claus, you’ve listened longer than necessary.

Taken from the 1989 “Merry, Merry Christmas” album between the boy band’s breakout “Hangin’ Tough” and successful follow-up “Step By Step,” this song is a product of popularity as well a blatant cash grab (see: NSYNC).

Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood and Jonathan and Jordan Knight half-rap over an irritating electronic backbeat like wannabe Beastie Boys. Meanwhile, James Brown is rolling in his grave at the ridiculousness of this tripe being referred to as “funky” anything.

More: Bob Geldof calls 'Do They Know It's Christmas' an 'instrument of change' amid criticism

4. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, ‘The Little Drummer Boy’

There really aren’t many ways to screw up a straightforward ballad that needs only a rolling snare drum as required instrumentation, but leave it to the Simpson sisters circa 2004 to burn it all down.

Their breathy enunciation coupled with a drippy string arrangement and some weirdly placed horns don’t help. And that’s before the song detours into a misplaced gallop before returning to the two dragging out every syllable of the song like it’s their lifeline.

3. NewSong, ‘The Christmas Shoes’

Look, even the Scroogiest among us can’t condemn a song for ostensibly trying to show the true meaning of the holiday through the story-song of a little boy who wants to buy his dying mother a pair of shoes for Christmas but doesn’t have enough money so he appeals to a stranger in line at the shoe (?) store for help.

Oh, wait. Yes we can.

2. Elmo and Patsy, ‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer’

The tale of an elderly lady getting steamrolled by Rudolph because she drank too much eggnog and forgot to take her meds might make a 6-year-old snigger, but isn’t it a bit, oh, you know, cruel? And forget grandma’s louse of a husband, who is so distraught by her untimely death that he’s “drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards” with cousin Mel.

Top it all off with some truly bad singing and you have the novelty song from hell.

1. Alvin and the Chipmunks, ‘The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)’

Nails, meet chalkboard.

Is there a screechier Christmas song? One more grating than the helium-voiced "crooning" of Simon, Alvin and Theodore? Even the dogs barking Christmas songs are dulcet-toned virtuosos compared with this trio. It's a wonder the Grammy Awards survived after nominating this cringe-fest for record of the year at the first-ever ceremony in 1959 (it didn't win that one, but did pick up three other Grammys).

This might be the only time I’ve ever wished ill on an adorable woodland creature, animated or otherwise.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: The worst Christmas songs that will turn you into a scrooge