The T-Rex may be a dyn-o-mite dinosaur, but when her identity was revealed on Wednesday’s pre-semifinals Masked Singer showdown, the rockin’ reptile ironically turned out to be the youngest contestant in the series’ history.
Yes, beneath all those scabby scales lurked 16-year-old YouTube sensation and former Dance Moms child star JoJo Siwa. While JoJo’s fans, the Siwanatorz, were probably outraged over the T-Rex’s early extinction, the perky pop phenom maintained her usual happy attitude upon receiving the news — even taking the opportunity to reprise her Wednesday performance, the Pussycat Dolls’ “Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny”), with the woman who originally sang and co-wrote the Slumdog Millionaire hit, judge Nicole Scherzinger.
So now that we know the “Super Nine” celebrity cosplayers from Groups A, B, and C that will be moving on to next week’s semifinals, I’ve decided to run them down on my leaderboard below — consider this a chance to get reacquainted the Group A/B contenders, who have been mixing in action for weeks due to this season’s expanded, bracketed format.
And rather than rank them in order of their chances of winning, I’ve quite cockily ranked them in order of my chances of guessing their identities correctly — so I can bookmark this page and gloat later. To quote Ken Jeong, I know EXACTLY who this is…
Contestant: The Banana
My guess: Bret Michaels
Chance I’m right: 100 frickin’ percent
This a-peeling-ing party dude wears a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and blue collar, suffers from a lot of hangovers, used to live in the old-school L.A. area code 213, has two daughters, recently lost his father, and his “memory is not what it used to be.” Oh yeah… and he also moves and sounds exactly like Bret Michaels. So yeah, it’s Bret, and he’s nothing but a good time. I’ve named my Poison, and I am sticking to it.
Contestant: The White Tiger
My guess: Rob Gronkowski
Chance I’m right: 99 percent
This Tiger king had dropped clues about clam-shucking, dancing, the Gettysburg Address, “block parties,” and a skiing cow. (“Cow-ski,” get it?) Yep, this is definitely dance enthusiast, New Englander, and tight end blocking legend Gronk, whose NFL number is 87 (“four score and seven”). Yep, you read that correctly: Rob Gronkowski made it to the Super Nine semifinals over Group A’s Chaka “Miss Monster” Khan and Group B’s Dionne “The Mouse” Warwick.
Contestant: The Frog
My guess: Bow Wow
Chance I’m right: 98 percent
Past clues have referenced basketball, soldiers, Prince, “Fame,” the letters “CSI” and number 106, and an appearance on a late-night talk show when it was “way past his bedtime.” So, this hippity-hopper has to be Bow Wow. He’s a collaborator of Soulja Boy, the star of CSI: Cyber, ex-host of 106 & Park, the artist behind the songs “Basketball” and “Prince of Darkness” and album The Price of Fame... and he went on The Arsenio Hall Show in 1993 when he was a 6-year-old tadpole.
Contestant: The Night Angel
My guess: Kandi Buruss
Chance I’m right: 97 percent
This Masked Singer season, “destiny” led this vivacious showbiz veteran back to the stage. She started young, surrounded by other angels, before she decided to “escape” from the pack and build her empire — but she didn’t let her career keep her from attending her high school graduation. The Night Angel’s visual clues have included a gang of nasty grandmas and the moon. This has to be Kandi, a member of teen girl group Xscape, the co-writer Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills,” singer of “Legs to the Moon,” and proprietor of a restaurant called Old Lady Gang.
Contestant: The Kangaroo
My guess: Jordyn Woods
Chance I’m right: 95 percent
Past Kanga-clues have included a basketball, makeup, a model airplane, haters, a “little ‘roo,” a recent tragic loss in her family, and “sitting at the same table” as Leah Remini. So while I initially thought this musical marsupial was Iggy Azalea, because I had no idea Jordyn could sing, I now believe what the internet has been telling me all along. Jordyn is a model; her dad died in 2017; she was on Jada Pinkett Smith’s chat show Red Table Talk (on which Remini has also been a guest); and she’s been struggling in the public eye ever since she rumored to be romantically linked to Khloe Kardashian’s now-ex-boyfriend, basketball player Tristan Thompson. The “little ‘roo” is probably Woods’s doted-upon little sister, Jodie.
Contestant: The Turtle
My guess: Jesse McCartney
Chance I’m right: 85 percent
In previous weeks, the Turtle has made references to following his “dream,” surfboards, cooking, baseball, Seoul, having “the time of his life,” and “spending a morning” with Nicole. So, after much Googling, Wikipedia-ing, and Wayback-Machining, I am fairly certain that this former Dream Street member, chef, aspiring baseball player, Summerland actor/surfer, and “Beautiful Soul”/“Best Day of My Life” singer Jesse McCartney — who was once on The Today Show with the Pussycat Dolls.
Contestant: The Astronaut
My guess: Hunter Hayes
Chance I’m right: 75 percent
I have fluctuated on this one, due to overall vagueness of this spaceman’s clues. Is he a boy band member? A former Glee actor? Nah, I probably should’ve stuck with my gut and stuck with my first-week guess: Hunter, who apparently once performed with Nicole to “celebrate a huge birthday.” The clincher clue, which a savvy Twitter follower of mine tipped me off to last week, was when this Astro-boy said he got a career boost from an “organized crime family”: Apparently Hayes was gifted his first guitar by Godfather actor Robert Duvall! Oh, yeah… and he also sounds exactly like Hunter Hayes, so there’s that.
Contestant: The Rhino
My guess: Barry Zito
Chance I’m right: 40 percent
OK, so here is where I get a lot less cocky. Some clues have indicated that this tall, Southern motorcycle “risk-taker,” who was once “on top” but then “crashed and burned,” is a famous, troubled country singer like my previous guesses, Trace Adkins or Sam Hunt. Other clues point towards this horny creature being a pro athlete. But Barry can sing and has a side career in country music, and this week’s surfing clue tips me towards him.
Contestant: The Kitty
My guess: Emma Watson
Chance I’m right: 30 percent
Oh, what a tangled ball of yarn we weave, when first we practice to deceive. This Kitty has at least super-nine lives when it comes to guessing her identity, and she’s the most mysterious contestant left this season. Previous clues, like books, roses, and especially wizards, have seemed to reference Watson, and we know this is some sort of former child/teen star. But mentions of ghosts and horror movies have had some viewers speculating that it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt, Christina Ricci, or even Kristen Bell (well, there was that “gossip” clue). Meanwhile, her “modern family” background has people thinking this purrfect pop singer is Ariel Winter or Sarah Hyland.
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