In Salvation, premiering Wednesday on CBS, an asteroid of sufficient size to wipe out all of us is headed to Earth, potentially freeing humanity from being compelled to watch any more of Big Brother, Salvation’s primetime lead-in. Trust me when I say that in truth, the biped hamsters of Big Brother offer a more realistic view of humanity than this unbelievable new disaster-drama series.
In Salvation, the asteroid is more or less discovered by Liam (Charlie Rowe), an MIT grad student whom we know is an adventurous hero because he rides a bicycle with no shoes on. (Other characters comment admiringly about his barefoot feat.) He bare-foots it to a “tech pioneer” named Darius Tanz (Santiago Cabrera), who then takes the info to the deputy secretary of defense (Hawaii Five-O’s Ian Anthony Dale), who in turn gossips about the meteor to his office’s public relations rep, Grace (Tyrant’s Jennifer Finnigan), with whom he’s having a secret affair. Got that?
The meteor is going hit Earth in 186 days, and no one knows about the coming catastrophe other than this little circle of people — yet the MIT student has time to flirt with a girl, go on a date, and decide to tell her he loves her. The Defense Department couple has time to chat about her birthday plans. (“Gluten- and dairy-free cake”!) The tech pioneer has time to stand around and be condescending to everyone who is less good-looking and wealthy than he is, which is everybody.
I really don’t think I need to go on about how ludicrous Salvation is, so I’ll just quote some random lines of dialogue I scribbled down. “When you’re passionate about something, time means nothing!” “It’s a planet-killing asteroid!” “An asteroid’s gonna collide with Earth and we’re all gonna be destroyed!” “This is an extinction-level event!” “The sky is falling and you may be the only person who can do something about it!” “I have 21 million Twitter followers!” That last line is uttered by the pretty-boy “tech pioneer.” I hope the asteroid hits him first.
Salvation airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on CBS.
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