Senate Republicans embarrass themselves (and America) at confirmation hearings | Opinion
If you haven’t been paying attention as an array of President-elect Donald Trump’s Cabinet picks sat through Senate confirmation hearings this week, good for you. It has been, at best, nausea-inducing.
Our Republican senators clearly care more about Trump gifting them a pair of gold sneakers or giving them a pat on the back than they do about America, so the parade of largely unqualified dips Trump wants to run the government is on a glide path to power.
To make life easier for you, I’ve distilled the hearings down to a generic and obviously real transcript that tells you all you need to know about the “advice and consent” that the GOP-led Senate is providing, which amounts to: “Yeah, sure, whatever.”
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A (rough) transcript of Senate confirmation hearings for Trump's picks
Imagine you’re watching the hearings on TV. This is, more or less, how they’ve unfolded.
GOP Senator 1: “It’s my honor to introduce the next Cabinet appointee chosen strongly by the great and powerful Donald J. Trump, first of his name, slayer of wokeness, king among men and all-father of MAGA. This individual brings the highest possible expertise to the table, having risen to the position of part-time assistant manager at Best Buy in Falls Church, Virginia, making him abundantly qualified for the position of Defense secretary overseeing the world’s largest military. He lives and breathes MAGA, hates diversity, does not believe laws apply to him or to President Trump and drinks raw milk to prevent liberals from implanting demons in his soul. We’ll now start with questions.”
GOP Senator 2: “Sir, it says here you murdered three drifters and use their skulls as goblets from which you drink the blood of orphans. To me, that shows real mettle.”
Appointee: “Thank you, sir. I hate the American government and will destroy it from within."
GOP Senator 2: “I'm a yes.”
GOP Senator 1: “OK. I think we’re all in agreement here.”
Democratic Senator: “Excuse me, I have a question for the appointee. Sir, it has been reported you don't believe women should vote or be allowed to speak, you are convinced our planet is flat and you are addicted to nitrous oxide. Is there any truth to all that, yes or no?”
Appointee: (inhales deeply through mask attached to nitrous-oxide tank) “I won’t answer gotcha questions.”
Democratic Senator: “Yes or no, sir?”
Appointee: “I’m not sure what you mean by those words.”
Democratic Senator: “You don’t know what ‘yes’ and ‘no’ mean?”
Appointee: “I won’t answer gotcha questions. You will be among the first I seek to imprison.”
Democratic Senator: “I beg your pardon? Sir, what qualifies you for such a vitally important position in government.”
Appointee: “I don’t have to answer that.”
Democratic Senator: “That’s literally why we’re here!!”
Appointee: (pulls out skull goblet and takes sip of orphan blood) “I am death, the rider atop the pale horse. Hell follows me.”
GOP Senator 1: “Well, I think we’ve heard enough. This nominee is clearly qualified.”
Democratic Senator: “But …”
GOP Senator 1: “The appointee is approved. We’ll now bring in the next brilliantly chosen and eminently qualified individual, a coal baron who employs orphans and thinks cancer is a myth. Because he’s still in prison for tax fraud and trafficking endangered wildlife, he’ll be appearing via Zoom. He’s the handsome and honorable president-elect’s pick to head the Environmental Protection Agency, which will be shuttered shortly after next week’s inauguration. All in agreement? Whatever, he’s our guy. You Democrats can pound sand.”
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: GOP senators bow to Trump in reckless confirmation hearings | Opinion