In wake of Amber Alert scare, GTA educators weigh in with tips for talking to teens

The father of a 15-year-old girl who was the subject of an Amber Alert Monday morning talked about his daughter's habits the way many other parents might describe their kids.

"She's on social media a lot. She's on the Internet a lot," he said.

But experts who spoke to CBC Toronto Monday about the problems teenagers have communicating with the adults in their lives say no matter what the surface similarities might be, every teen and every case is different and requires a different response.

The teen, a student in Peel region, had gone missing in the past. This time, she hid her absence after she "made a fake body in the bed," with clothing that her little sister discovered, her father said.

CBC Toronto is not revealing her parents' names to protect the identity of their daughter after she went missing Sunday afternoon in Mississauga. Police were investigating her disappearance as a possible abduction.

"She's hooked up with the wrong people," her father said after she was found safe in Scarborough Monday afternoon.

His comments are the kind that could resonate with many parents of teenagers so CBC Toronto set out to ask guidance counsellors about what a parent can do when there are concerns about risky behaviour.

Marcia Powers-Dunlop with the Toronto District School Board's support services said it's often tough for adults to tell if their kid is hanging around with "the wrong crowd."

'Build the solution to fit the situation'

While not speaking specifically about the Amber Alert or that teen's disappearance, Powers-Dunlop said each situation is unique and educators and parents have to "build the solution to fit the situation."

Teachers, lunchroom supervisors and custodial staff have a role to help any child try to fit in, she said.

At the GTA's two biggest school boards — Toronto and Peel — guidance specialists agreed teens can be uncommunicative and that often creates other issues.

Lindsay Watson, a Peel District School Board resource teacher, knows many parents have wondered about their teens' choice of friends.

Behaviours and consequences

She said in cases where there are concerns that a teen is at risk, parents or educators should try to talk about the pros and cons of relationships.

"What are the behaviours we're seeing and what are the consequences?"

Powers-Dunlop said parents' commitment and support is crucial.

Both educators described similar challenges for young people, from substance abuse to bullying and academic troubles.

The Toronto District School Board has a student safety service for its 265,000 students that receives about half a dozen emails any given day. But sometimes, it receives none at all, Powers-Dunlop said.

The form allows parents or students to communicate concerns either anonymously or to self-identify. Then a TDSB staff member will look into the situation.

Watson said there's a common misperception, "that kids, once they get to Grade 9, don't need their parents anymore."

'On the same page'

That is precisely the time, she said, "we need to show that more then ever we are working together that everyone here is on the same page."

Too often, Watson said, parents want to "sweep in and fix the problem" or come with "one answer," but that doesn't work.

Instead, she suggested a "restorative" approach by demonstrating, "I'm going to work with you to figure out what all the different options are and I'm going to mentor you."

During media interviews after his daughter was found, the father of the missing teen sounded like he was at his wits end when he said, "I don't know what to do with her. I'm stuck. I'm just trying to figure it out myself."

Watson said parents need to know they aren't alone.

While she knows the idea is to teach children independence "the foundation of that is that will always be a structure that's connecting the school, home and child together."

'Kids need to be listened to'

Watson said in most Peel region schools there could be up to 170 staff in the building.

"You hope there are connections. You'd like to think in every building there is an adult that each kid can connect to."

She also suggested parents should monitor changes in:

- Engagement in family, social, academic spheres (ie. increased apathy).

- Appetite.

- Sleep patterns.

- Dependence on devices like phones, computers, video games.

She said any change in behaviour "should be explored by being curious." Basically, listening is key.

"Kids need to be listened to," she said. "You might not like what they have to say, but listen."