What's causing this scorching heat wave? It's all Joe Biden's fault. Why not?

There’s only one solution to the heat wave plaguing America and the possibly record-breaking temperatures so many of us patriots are being forced to endure: President Joe Biden must be impeached.

I realize some of you don’t have the intellectual capacity to see the connection between the Democratic president and the high-pressure heat dome putting more than 80 million Americans under heat alerts. That’s because you continue to foolishly exist in a world bound by facts and objective reality, two things my fellow MAGA supporters recognize as sneaky tools of the radical socialist left.

In my reality, there’s no need to connect the dots. I just need one dot, which is the thing I want to believe. And in this case, that one dot is Biden being wholly responsible for me and a huge portion of the country being hot.

Clearly, the heat is all Joe Biden's fault because I said so

If my air conditioner is struggling to keep up with what might be the longest heat wave in decades, and if I’m perspiring an uncomfortable amount and my dog is panting, I blame it all on Joe Biden. And if I need confirmation of that belief, I’ll go on the internet and find a fellow truth-teller who believes the same thing.

Because that’s how logic works, you un-American liberals.

What is Biden hiding? How long will feckless Joe Biden ignore the grave threat of sharks and electric boats?

I can already hear the leftists grumbling: "How would impeaching Biden eliminate the sweltering temperatures we’re experiencing?"

That question is a relic of the age when things needed to be answered with verifiable information. Those days have flown, losers.

Things Republicans want to believe are true tend to become true – quickly

Consider the way this recent news nugget was immediately accepted and spread around as fact, even though the lamestream media lamely claimed it was “not true.”

The Washington Reporter – which I know is a legitimate news source because it has a website and tells me things I want to hear – reported Monday: “Per two sources, including one at CNN, the Biden Campaign is trying to renegotiate the debate rules to allow Biden to be seated.”

President Joe Biden, seen here probably thinking up how to make the current heat wave even worse.
President Joe Biden, seen here probably thinking up how to make the current heat wave even worse.

CNN swiftly said the report is false and the debate rules have already been agreed upon. So, who am I going to believe? The massive news organization that’s hosting the debate on June 27 or the right-wing organization that has about 1,700 followers on X?

RIGGED! Joey Chestnut has been robbed. There's no such thing as a plant-based hot dog.

Duh. I’m believing the one that’s telling me what I want to hear and allowing me to scream: “OH MY GOD! SLEEPY JOE CAN’T EVEN STAND FOR A WHOLE DEBATE!”

GOP folks ran with the false report Biden can't stand for the whole debate

That’s what Republican lawmakers like Sens. Mike Lee and Josh Hawley and Rep. Elise Stefanik did. They shared the Washington Reporter claim on social media.

Lee all but predicted Biden’s demise, writing: “Who will Dems run in Biden’s place?”

President Joe Biden (R) listens as television host Jimmy Kimmel speaks onstage during a campaign fundraiser at the Peacock Theater in Los Angeles on June 15, 2024.
President Joe Biden (R) listens as television host Jimmy Kimmel speaks onstage during a campaign fundraiser at the Peacock Theater in Los Angeles on June 15, 2024.

See what I mean? One dot, no connecting needed.

Is it true? In my reality, it is. And apparently, it's true in the reality shared by Lee and Hawley and Stefanik. So that’s all we need, dummies!

Facts are not necessary when criticizing Biden

The New York Post recently called Biden the “Meander in Chief,” claiming he wandered aimlessly away from a skydiving show at the summit in Italy of the Group of Seven leading industrialized nations. But the old-school fact-believers out there noted that the Post cropped the video so you couldn’t see that Biden was walking to congratulate one of the skydivers who had landed.

WHATEVER! I’ll take “Meander in Chief” as my reality, thank you very much.

Will Hillary Clinton replace Biden? Sure, why not!

On Fox News, Jesse Watters said of Biden: “And now they are talking about swapping Hillary in if he bombs in this debate.”

Hillary Clinton speaks June 16 during the 77th annual Tony Awards at David H. Koch Theater at Lincoln Center in New York.
Hillary Clinton speaks June 16 during the 77th annual Tony Awards at David H. Koch Theater at Lincoln Center in New York.

In the broader shared reality, that's what the Marxists would call “not a thing that has in any way actually happened.”

But as with my assertion that Biden stands wholly responsible for the current unrelenting heat wave, all Watters needs to do is say the words out loud and they magically become real, at least to those who watch Fox News. He creates a dot that needs no connecting.

To end this heat wave, it's clear we must impeach Biden

That’s how things work here in the MAGA world. If we think Biden is infirm and addled, we simply play a video of him doing something normal and say he is infirm and addled.

If we think Biden can’t possibly stand during a debate, we say he is fighting to make sure the debate comes with chairs.

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And if we are uncomfortably hot, we call for Biden’s immediate impeachment because he is infirm, addled, incapable of standing … and also controls the weather.

See how easy that is?

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Heat wave sizzles US. Time to blame it all on Biden