Hackers, please shut down social media on the first day of school

Dear Anonymous, or the Ashley Madison hackers, or even Lisbeth Salander. I don’t really care which.

Now that Labour Day is past, we’re running into that awful point on the calendar that retailers call “Back to $chool”, and the rest of us call “Choke the Internet with pictures of your kid in a backpack” week. Now, you may think that pictures of smiling 8-year-olds with new pink sneakers doesn’t exactly represent a threat to the fabric of society, and in modest numbers, it’s all good. But we’re at the point where Facebook, Tumblr, Snapchat - all the places we go to nose through our friends’ (and ex-friends’) lives - are taken over for a few days by endless, interchangeable pictures of children celebrating what really should be pretty far down the list of things about which to crack open the champagne.

It’s great to be proud of your kid. And I’m sure little Caleb has as much potential as the next blank slate in the schoolyard. But to be honest, just suiting up for the first day of kindergarten isn’t much of an accomplishment. If anything, it’s the coming out of the other end that’s worth celebrating. If he can figure out his division tables and get out of the system with only minor psychological damage, then by all means, post that picture.

But just showing that you can clothe your kid and pack a lunch? Come on, that’s basic parenting! You don’t brag about that. And I don’t want to have to scroll past that stuff on Twitter. Don’t you dare. Twitter is for politics and the Jays.

People have tried to stem this tide before. Shrill parent bloggers warn about the dangers of posting pictures of kids with their home addresses visible behind them on the porch. They shriek about images being co-opted for child pornography or broken apart and analyzed for identity theft. But if anyone listened to those kinds of warnings we wouldn’t be using one password and PIN code for banking, social media and Amazon.

No, more drastic measures need to be taken. And don’t take this as a screed against family photos. I appreciate that we want to document every instant of our kids’ lives. We want to watch them grow up through a viewfinder. And the look of excitement (or terror) on the bound-for-school little miracle’s face is worth preserving… privately.

So here’s an idea: take the photo… and keep it for yourself. Or email it to the grandparents and cousins who care. Look at it all you want, and keep it on your phone so you can bore the lady next door when you run into her at the liquor store.

I’m not trying to stop people from taking pictures of their kids, just to dissuade them from doing the virtual equivalent of taping it to every hydro pole in town.

But I know nobody’s going to listen, which is why I have to turn to you, terrifying hackers. So please, do us all a favour, and gum up the works for a few days. Maybe it’s cutting off the nose to spite the face, but it’ll send a message and maybe prompt people to think twice next year. The photos will still get taken and moments will be immortalized, and you’ll earn brownie points you can cash in the next time you post our banking info online for kicks.