23 Tweets By Women This Week That Are Certified Fresh And Certified Hilarious
Summer is just on the horizon, so here's an experience that my fellow pale girlies will 1000% relate to:
In what many are calling “the biggest white girl move of all time” I went through an entire bottle of sunscreen in one week and still got sunburned
— Sunny Laprade QUEER ENOUGH FREE ON YOUTUBE! (@sunnylcomedy) May 15, 2024
Whether you're trying to avoid the sun or just need a laugh, please enjoy the 23 funniest tweets by women this week. And be sure to follow these funny ladies on Twitter (or X, if you prefer to call it that)!
1.
(at bottomless mimosas with the girls) one of you will betray me
— 🕯️ mel 🕯️ (@meligearsolid) May 22, 2024
2.
Just vaguely remembered this book I read as a little kid where a boy and his mom are both transported to the civil war and the son is obsessed with meeting the inventor of baseball meanwhile his mom is like “are you fucking stupid? We need to stop Lincoln’s assassination”
— MiSTer Miracle (@thelicoricekid) May 22, 2024
3.
my kid was upset because I took away her iPad and she was like “ugh! I bet when you were a kid, grandma let you have your iPad!” and I was like…bitch. grandma didn’t even let me have my FEELINGS
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 21, 2024
4.
wait is each blade of grass its own plant?? or is like the whole lawn one guy
— ella (tiktok: @blondeicedcoffee) (@blondehotcoffee) May 22, 2024
5.
actually dr. scholls is the guy who created it, what you’re wearing is scholls monster
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 22, 2024
6.
If a person over 60 with a Queens accent starts yelling, it attracts all other people over 60 with a Queens accent in the vicinity. Which is why my landlady is in a four-way fight right now with ConEd, our neighbor, and some guy I think was just trying to hand out pizza coupons.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) May 20, 2024
7.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:Henry CavillClam chowderNew England clam chowderWhere is New EnglandOld England Henry Cavill
— 🥴steph🥴 (@eff_yeah_steph) May 21, 2024
8.
My 4yo was crying tonight because he wants to see all the snakes in Australia but he doesn’t want to have to sleep on a plane and sometimes I think I just wasn’t prepared to parent
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 22, 2024
9.
Remembering when I was waiting tables at an airport Marriott & a bunch of business men asked me where they could find a little fun & my naive 20 yo self told them there was a pioneer recreation village the next town over
— Nicole Trauma Llama APRN, CNS (@TraumaSoapBoxes) May 22, 2024
10.
my friend: i really need your adviceme, ordering several things online i can’t afford while eating a block of cheese: yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 19, 2024
11.
I’m in a Lyft and this man got the check engine light on, the gas light on, the battery light on, the seatbelt light on, and the airbag light on.
— Cora Harrington (@lingerie_addict) May 21, 2024
12.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 20, 2024
13.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
— Karen, Esq. (@comradeflirty) May 19, 2024
14.
Had a new experience tonight: on hour one of a six-hour flight, I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back the guy beside me was wearing my sweatshirt
— Sarah Edwards (@eddy_sarah) May 21, 2024
15.
went on a date with a banker in the uniform quilted vest. he was pouring sweat, mopping at his brow, visibly overheated.when I lightly suggested he was allowed to take off the extra layer, he gave me a pained look and said, “At lunch I spilled my burrito down my front.”
— Sara Schonfeld (@SaraSchon) May 20, 2024
16.
Asked bf if he could non-metaphorically snake my drain and he said “I can teach *you* how to snake your drain” which is very sexy in the feminism way but very bad in the that’s yucky and I don’t want to way
— maddie, hot dog enthusiast (@damnitmadeline) May 18, 2024
17.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
— maybe: clare (@clur19) May 18, 2024
18.
i love being a pedestrian i loove having the right of way it is like a drug to me
— multitude container (@bartleby_era) May 22, 2024
19.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
— CIIERRA 🐎 (@Salute_CC) May 21, 2024
20.
yall talk about carrie so bad but big was charismatic with a lot of money and i’ve seen yall sneaking and geeking for much less
— t. (@taeseru) May 22, 2024
21.
love the logic behind “men and women can never *just* be friends” bc that would mean bisexuals shouldn't be friends with…anyone. Which is correct. and just and good
— meredith (@dietz_meredith) May 22, 2024
22.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
— Tina Sieben (@wnbawife) May 22, 2024
23.
men will see their mothers in a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness and be like “i cant wait to give that to a woman of my own one day 🥹💕”
— ms pippershnippetz (@lolumOKUR) May 21, 2024
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
I Cannot Overstate How Hilarious These 21 Tweets By Women Are
