Chrissy Teigen pens moving essay on pregnancy loss: 'I needed to say something'

After suffering a pregnancy loss last month, Chrissy Teigen has penned a powerful and heartbreaking essay about grief and gratitude.

"I had no idea when I would be ready to write this," she wrote in a Medium post published Tuesday. "Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. ... I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you.

"For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, 'you probably won’t read this, but…'. I can assure you, I did."

The model and cookbook author lost her child with singer-songwriter John Legend a few days after sharing that she had been hospitalized for excessive bleeding. After weeks of bed rest and increasingly heavy bleeding, Teigen said, doctors diagnosed her with partial placental abruption and told her she would be given an epidural to deliver her baby boy — whom she had named Jack — and say goodbye.

"Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later," she continued in her essay.

"People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you."

Despite receiving "bags and bags of blood transfusions" that came and went as if they "hadn't done anything at all," Teigen said she was forced to accept that "he just wouldn't survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either."

On Sept. 30, Teigen shared news of her pregnancy loss on social media, along with a black-and-white photo of herself crying on her hospital bed moments after the delivery. Some shamed her for posting the photo, while others showered her with love and support.

"I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again," she wrote in her Medium essay.

"I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it."

It was Teigen's third pregnancy with her husband, Legend, with whom she shares two young children: Miles, 2, and Luna, 4.

"He hated [taking the photos]. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time," she continued. "But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.

"I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."

Now Teigen says she finds comfort in her "two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love" but feels a pang of sadness each time she reaches for her belly when she walks or has "a moment of freak out" when her kids pile onto her "non-existent bump," momentarily forgetting she's "not pregnant anymore."

She added that she and Legend plan to place their son's ashes "into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind."

"The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers," she wrote. "I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all. ...

"I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see."

Read Teigen's full essay here.

This story originally appeared in Los Angeles Times.