Donald Trump Is Apparently Terrified of What The National Enquirer Has on Him
Other than a misassembled late-night McDonald's order, nothing makes Donald Trump angrier than the Fake News Media, that great enemy of the people about which he unleashes a daily torrent of complaints. Each update on White House palace intrigue from the Times or the Post or CNN earns the same response: a curt dismissal, a rude nickname, and perhaps a vague threat to change existing libel laws. Even Fox News, a network that exists to burnish his loafers, is not immune from criticism when it publishes something that displeases him. There is only one outlet, it seems, that strikes genuine fear into his heart: a checkout-aisle tabloid best known for its coverage of how aliens killed J.F.K., J.F.K. killed Elvis, and Elvis is behind the mystery of what really goes on in Area 51.
According to the (Failing) New York Times, when Trump and noted felon Michael Cohen arranged to kill forthcoming stories about the president's affairs with a Playboy Playmate and an adult film star, they hoped to purchase a much more voluminous catalog: decades of dirt on Trump that had been assembled by The National Enquirer and its parent company, American Media. Although AMI's chairman, David Pecker, is a longtime ally of the president, Trump and Cohen began to worry about what would happen to this treasure trove of bombshells—which were locked away in a literal safe—if Pecker were to leave the company or, perhaps, suffer an untimely fate.
“Maybe he gets hit by a truck,” Mr. Trump said of Mr. Pecker in a conversation with Mr. Cohen, musing about an unfortunate mishap befalling his good friend.
The two sides apparently discussed the terms of a potential buyout but were unable to arrive at an agreement, because the only thing Trump loathes more than the publication of unflattering stories is paying money to other people. Since those talks fell apart, Pecker and Trump Organization CFO Allan Weisselberg received immunity deals from federal prosecutors as part of the Cohen investigation, which means that once again, the president's miserliness may prove to be his undoing.
What sorts of horrifying stories, you may be wondering, did Trump—a man with who has spent his adult life denying sexual assault allegations, settling massive fraud cases, discriminating against minorities in housing developments, having affairs, getting divorces, cultivating mob ties, declaring bankruptcy, stiffing contractors, skirting immigration laws, running a sham charity, and now, perhaps, obstructing a law enforcement investigation into criminal conduct that enabled him to become president—decide posed such grave dangers to his reputation as an upstanding citizen that dismissing allegations contained therein as "fake news" would be ineffective, and that he had no other option but to try and bury them forever?
People with knowledge of American Media’s operations, who would speak only on condition of anonymity, described the files on Mr. Trump as mostly older National Enquirer stories about Mr. Trump’s marital woes and lawsuits; related story notes and lists of sensitive sources; some tips about alleged affairs; and minutia, like allegations of unscrupulous golfing.
When the Mueller report comes out, I hope it contains an entire chapter about how the president takes 30-foot putts as gimmes because his short game is shit.
