House Party: This is what it's like to drink at Stormzy's new bar

 (Courtesy of House Party)
(Courtesy of House Party)

Sticky, crowded kitchens. DJ decks leaning against a box of porridge oats. Silhouettes snogging in the corner of the room. Bodies squashed like sardines on the staircase, and copious amounts of unidentifiable alcohol. Last night featured all the classic components of a British teen house party — with the additions of Maya Jama dancing on the sofa and Ian Wright taking selfies in the hallway.

This was the scene yesterday at Stormzy’s new place, House Party, a brand new, seven-storey bar on Soho’s Poland Street dreamt up by the rapper himself alongside Cream Group. As the name suggests, it’s certainly a house party, spread across every floor of a building that once was home to Milk & Honey.

I’m writing this from the rooftop “treehouse” zone, a chill area where fake marijuana plants grow and a heavy smoke machine creates a “hotbox” illusion.

“This strand is White Widow Super Cheese and this is Purple Haze,” explains a man clutching a guitar (a paid actor), serenading me in an odd Californian accent, whilst to my left, hot-dogs sizzle on the barbecue.

Unlike the house parties I once knew, there’s been no pre-planning of who’s going to kiss who. No scrounging for peach Schnapps or apple Sourz. Not even a whisper of the word “gathering”, which we were so devoted to, pagans conducting a ritual.

Instead, there’s a garage complete with BMW; an early Noughties computer left open on a live feed of Chatroulette; a tattoo artist doing actual tattoos; a karaoke bedroom; a loft brimming with board games; hidden rooms disguised by bookshelves and endless rounds of beer pong. Not to mention a different DJ on every floor.

‘Caviar is too posh for me!’ insisted Maya Jama, as guests took bumps of caviar and washed them down with a shot of vodka

It’s the type of house party that only exists in two scenarios. The first, you’ve stepped through the telly into an American rom-com. Or the second, it’s being hosted by a very rich friend. “Caviar is too posh for me!” insisted Love Island host and girlfriend of Stormzy, Maya Jama, as guests took bumps of caviar and washed them down with a shot of vodka.

On the floor below, Bridgerton star India Amarteifio swapped classical symphonies for the chanting chorus of Skepta’s Too Many Men, whilst Munya Chawawa and Jordan Stephens were spotted enjoying a karaoke rendition of Beyoncé classic Crazy in Love. At around 10.30pm, the fire alarm went off. But, staying true to British traditions, we simply raved to it as though it were the opening notes of Mis-Teeq’s 2003 single Scandalous.

For UK-raised Nineties babies, the venue is a time portal back to our messy adolescent years. Yesterday was a night of well-curated chaos, where, despite follower count, number-one albums or Netflix series, everyone was transported back to a time when nothing mattered but our crush, our hip flask and our lift home. With House Party, Stormzy has done more than create one of London’s strangest, most exciting new venues: he’s created a time machine, too.

61 Poland Street, W1F 7NU,