Jeffrey Epstein, a survivor’s untold story and the complexity of abuse

Lisa Phillips wanted to be a famous model.

But despite her impressive resume, she says she was turned down by a prestigious modeling agency upon moving to New York in her early 20s. She didn't know how to take her career to the next level. She didn't know if her dream would ever come true.

Then, she met Jeffrey Epstein.

Phillips hasn't spoken at length publicly about what Epstein did to her and the impact of the abuse − until now. Like dozens of others, she says Epstein sexually assaulted her on his private island, Little Saint James. She shared bits of what she witnessed there in court while testifying in a 2022 civil case involving Virginia Giuffre. She also filed as a Jane Doe under the Adult Survivors Act, citing abuse by an Epstein associate; separately, she received a settlement in a case involving JPMorgan Chase & Co. and Epstein accusers.

Now, she's coming forward with the details of what she endured in order to warn other women and girls about the dangers one can encounter while pursuing a career in entertainment.

Phillips' story is complex. She describes Epstein as her abuser, but also her mentor. He assaulted and manipulated her, but he also championed her career. She cried when he died in 2019, even though she hated him.

She believes her story shines a light on the complicated nature of abuse, explaining it took her a long time to come to terms with that aspect of her history with Epstein, which experts say is not uncommon; victims can, and often do, continue to think positively of their predators even as they are being groomed and abused.

"I have this confusing thing a lot of women do, because he helped us in a lot of ways," Phillips says. "But I just didn't confront the abuse part of it until I started meeting other victims and then realizing that the stories that I had were very similar to theirs."

'He made me feel very special'

Phillips started modeling when she was 16. She had worked all over the world − South Africa, Greece, Miami, Los Angeles − before moving to New York, where she set her sights on signing with a prestigious modeling agency.

That agency, she says, rejected her, telling her she wasn't ready. On a shoot in the British West Indies shortly after, a fellow model said she had a friend on an island nearby. Phillips, then 21, went with her, and it was there she met Epstein.

"He was so charming and asked me all the right questions, made me feel seen and heard, and I had never had a man talk to me that way or show that much interest in me," she says. "He made me feel very special."

Later during her stay, Phillips says a woman approached her. She nonchalantly told Phillips that Epstein wanted a massage. Unnerved, Phillips obliged − and she says the massage turned into Epstein sexually assaulting her. Multiple women have alleged they were assaulted by Epstein in a similar manner, under the guise of a massage.

“Obviously I'm on an island, and I couldn't get away," Phillips says. "And so I went through with it.” When Phillips told the woman who passed along Epstein's request what he did to her, the woman brushed it off.

Shaken, Phillips says, she returned to the photo shoot and finished that job the next day. She returned to New York "a completely different person."

Why victims may keep in touch with their abusers

For several weeks after the assault, Epstein's secretaries called Phillips relentlessly, she says, pushing her to meet with him again. She refused every time. Then, Epstein himself called.

He said he remembered her dreams of modeling and acting. He said he could make those dreams come true.

She met with him, and he delivered on his promise: He introduced her to the head of the agency that had rejected her, and they signed her that day, Phillips says.

Phillips says she continued to endure sexual abuse from Epstein for years after that. She says the assaults mostly happened in Epstein's now infamous Upper Eastside mansion. “I would always meet him in his office and spend a good hour talking to him in his office and praying to God it doesn't happen," she says. "But usually it did.”

Despite the abuse, Phillips says, Epstein became like “a mentor” to her. It wasn't until she connected with other victims years later that she began to see Epstein for who he really was.

Experts have said experiences like Phillips' are not uncommon, though they're often used to discredit sexual assault victims. The aftermath of a sexual assault can be emotional, shocking and disorientating. The road to healing is messy and complex.

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"A lot of survivors stay in touch with their perpetrators in some way," Laura Palumbo, communications director of the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, previously told USA TODAY. "In some ways, attempting to reconnect can be a way for them to process their own disbelief and dissonance about what happened to them."

In Harvey Weinstein's sex crimes trial in 2020, sexual assault expert Barbara Ziv testified about "rape trauma syndrome." Survivors, she said, “almost always” go back to their assailants: "It’s extremely common; in fact, it’s the norm,” for victims to have subsequent contact with their perpetrators after the attack, she said.

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It's also important to remember most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. Palumbo said this can make it difficult to break contact. Eight out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim, according to the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network.

For many survivors, Palumbo previously explained, maintaining contact with the person who sexually assaulted them can also be an attempt at keeping open the possibility of reconciliation.

"They may be thinking that if they could see this person again face-to-face and talk about what happened to them and talk about how it made them feel, that the person who sexually assaulted may be willing to recognize the harm that they have caused," she said. "I think that it is really important for survivors to know that there is a really significant risk that (the perpetrator) will not be willing to acknowledge their actions and their behaviors."

How one survivor is moving forward

Phillips says she believes her past positive feelings for Epstein were a coping mechanism, a way of suppressing the truth of what was actually going on. It's been confusing, she says, but through therapy and connecting with other victims, she's on a path of healing.

"You kind of suppress the abuse. That's why a lot of victims will drink or abuse drugs," she says. "You're in conflict with yourself, and it's not the victim's fault."

Now, Phillips is launching a podcast to empower those who have experienced trauma and to educate those also on journeys to heal from it. She hopes it might save other young models and entertainers from what she experienced.

"It's time to start educating people about this," she says. "We need to be safe, and we need to know what's going on and what's out there and know how to not have it happen to you."

If you have experienced sexual assault, RAINN offers support through the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE & online.rainn.org).

Contributing: Alia E. Dastagir

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Jeffrey Epstein abuse survivor is finally sharing her harrowing story