A message to brawling Republicans, from the Office of Congressional Fisticuffs

All right, all right – everybody settle down. We’ve got reports that Republican Rep. Kevin McCarthy elbowed one of his colleagues in the kidney while walking the halls of Congress this week.

We also watched video of Republican Sen. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma trying to get a witness in a Senate hearing to stand up and fight him.

As the presiding officer of the Office of Congressional Fisticuffs, it’s clear I need to remind lawmakers on the Republican side of the aisle that there are rules around here, and those rules are meant to be followed.

McCarthy throwing elbows, a senator ready to brawl? Why so violent, GOP?

First off, I was today years old when I learned there’s a senator named “Markwayne Mullin.” It sounds like two names stuck together. Are we sure he’s not a child sitting on another child’s shoulders wearing a man suit? Because he sure talked like two children trying to act tough.

Anyhoo, let’s start with the first incident Tuesday involving McCarthy and Republican Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee. The former House speaker walked by Burchett in a crowded hallway and, according to Burchett, jabbed him in the back.

The Tennessee lawmaker exclaimed: “Why'd you elbow me in the back, Kevin? Hey Kevin! You got any guts? Jerk."

If a Republican wants to punch another Republican, there are rules

Burchett ran after McCarthy and engaged in some light hollering while McCarthy denied the kidney shot.

That is, in a word, pathetic. It also goes against the rules we’ve established here in the Office of Congressional Fisticuffs. Since Republicans seem dead set on letting their violent, faux-tough-guy rhetoric trickle down into the halls of Congress, it’s clearly time for a refresher course.

First, no sucker punches. If McCarthy wanted to strike Burchett, he needed to file the appropriate lawmaker-on-lawmaker-violence request form and arrange a mutually agreed upon time for said punching. Per tradition, the two would meet at the cafeteria in the Longworth House Office Building and then, following our strict “only from the neck up” policy, McCarthy would be allowed to take a swing at Burchett.

If the former House speaker made contact, the congressional tattoo artist would be called in to give McCarthy one teardrop tattoo under his left eye. If he missed, Burchett would be allowed one punch, with all the same rules applying.

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GOP Sen. Markwayne Mullin challenges a hearing witness to a fight

This is how we do the people’s business around here, folks.

As for Sen. Markwayne Mullin, another set of long-held rules apply.

In a Senate hearing Tuesday, he instructed witness Sean O’Brien, president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, to “stand your butt up” so that they could, apparently, fight.

“This is the time, this is the place,” Mullin said. “If you want to run your mouth, we can be two consenting adults. We can finish it here.”

If Republicans want to fight, there are forms to fill out, people!

First off, per literally all rules of fighting, nobody needs to consent, you truculent nerd. Proper congressional lawmaker-vs.-witness skirmishes require violent eruption, ideally involving at least one leap over a desk and no fewer than 12 audible gasps from fellow lawmakers.

What Mullin did was chirp like a big, dumb bird while the Teamster witness, presumably, pondered how nice the lawmaker would look wearing cement shoes on the edge of a boat.

Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., intervened and told both men to knock it off. He should have also instructed them to follow proper procedure.

Dueling pistols can be checked out if Republicans really want to have at it

Mullin had two choices. Either launch himself at the witness and try giving him the business OR, and this is the approach we in the Office of Congressional Fisticuffs prefer, challenge the witness to a duel.

Once a duel is called for and the proper paperwork is filed, the witness and the lawmaker would be escorted onto the U.S. Capitol grounds and issued a pair of American flintlock dueling pistols from the early 1800s. They would then be left to sort their nonsense out while everyone else went back in to do their darn jobs.

Later in the day Tuesday, Mullen ran to his Fox News safe space and told Sean Hannity that "political correctness" kept him from a Senate-hearing-room throw down with the Teamster: "All of a sudden you got to worry about somebody’s feelings."

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Let's be clear, Senator (or possibly two kids in disguise), what stopped you from fighting Mr. O'Brien was Sen. Sanders, an 82-year-old Democratic socialist who didn't even have to stand up, and the fact that you're a performative goof a few feathers shy of a chicken.

I mean, the request forms for dueling pistols are available outside every meeting room!!

Listen, folks, the congressional rules of engagement exist for a reason. Without them, we have chaos.

Or as today's Republicans might call it, Tuesday.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: McCarthy's elbow, Mullin's desire for a fight. GOP, you guys OK?