‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: Fresh Meat, Surprise Heartbreak

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Aug. 22 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

We’re now four weeks into Paradise, rose lovers, and I’m still excited to see how producers incorporate each newbie into the intro sequence. Welcome, Jen!

Eh, yeah. I’ll admit that one was a bit anti-climactic. But what the holy heck is going on here?

Ashley I. as the Virgin Mary? Welp, if Team Bachelor wasn’t going to Hell before this, they sure are now.

Things pick up right where they left off, with Ashley I. weeping about Jared and everyone wondering when she’ll finally just go home already. “This just sucks,” mumbles Jared. “If you are always going to have feelings [for me], how did you expect to get over me in Paradise?” Ashley’s response is something along the lines of waaaah waaaah waaaah [snot snort] waaaaah.

“I’ve been as blunt as I possibly can,” snaps Jared. “I care about you, but not romantically.” He stalks off and heads straight for Caila to reassure her that things really are over with the hysterical Jersey girl… who continues sobbing loudly in the background and Caila and Jared talk.

Before we get to the rose ceremony, though, let’s check in on the other couples, shall we? Carly has now completely convinced herself that she likes Evan romantically, which is depressing. Remember kids: It’s better to be alone than to settle.

Meanwhile, our stable of stable couples also includes: Vinny and Izzy, Josh and Amanda, Nick and Jennifer, and Grant and Lace. Once again, Daniel is the swing vote — will he give his rose to Sarah, Ashley, or the Twins? “I’m gonna sit on my throne and let them come to me,” he gloats. “If you want this rose tonight, come to Papa Bear and let’s see what you’ve got.” Sarah arrives bearing a cake she baked herself to mark Daniel’s half-birthday. They feed each other frosting-heavy bites and flirt goofily. “This is the nicest thing someone’s ever done in my entire life,” says Daniel. (I sure hope that’s not true.) Sarah says she feels “confident” Daniel will give her his rose… which makes me worried that he won’t.

Related: Why Isn’t Chris Harrison Hosting ‘After Paradise’?

The Twins are worried that they’ll be sent home, and they’re ready to do something desperate. “You’ve got to kiss Daniel!” says Emily. “I’m not kissing Daniel!” Haley. This makes Emily very angry. “It’s a god**** motherf***ing kiss!” she barks. “You’re not going to get a disease!” Ever the submissive, Haley relents.

“Daniel is not the ugliest person I’ll ever kiss,” sighs Haley. She dutifully pulls Daniel aside, listens patiently while he raves about her butt, and then explains that she’s really interested in getting to know him. And then, the true sacrifice.

Haley’s pretty certain that her “magic lips” have ensured that she and Emily will stay this week… but they’ve obviously forgotten how much Team Bachelor wants Ashley I. to stay. So they send her to Daniel, who offers Ashley a pep talk that includes such advice as “slut it up” and “f*** 10 different guys in a month.” The crass Canadian then starts explaining to producers why sleeping with a virgin is so awesome… but they mercifully cut him off.

His one uncensored soundbite is priceless: “But unfortunately, you know, we can’t do that yet, with science.”

All right, enough foolishness — let’s get to the rose ceremony. And the “winners” are: Grant —> Lace; Josh —> Amanda; Nick —> Jen; Vinny —> Izzy; Evan —> Carly; Jared —> Caila. As for the only rose we care about: Daniel gives his rose to… Haley.

You said it, Sarah’s face. For the third time, Sarah Herron gets the short end of the Paradise stick. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You are too good for this franchise, woman. Get out and never, ever look back!

Harrison gives Sarah and Ashley the “take a moment, say your goodbyes” speech… but we all know Ashley stays, because we’ve seen her in promos cozying up to Wells. What gives? I’m sorry, it’s hard to think right now over the sound of Ashley’s keening.

“Stop the car! Stop the car!” she wails. “I can’t leave like this.” Technically you can, honey, but we all know you won’t. And look how happy everyone is to see you!

In what can only be described as a miracle, Ashley does not immediately grab Jared and start tearfully imploring him to love her. Instead, she tells the group that she’s ready to move on and hopes that they’ll let her stay and find love with someone new. Obviously it’s not really up to the Bippers, but we go through the motions of a vote anyway. “Yes!” declares Emily cheerfully, and pretty soon everyone — including Jared — is echoing her affirmation, albeit reluctantly.

Well if Ashley is going to find love, we’re gonna need some fresh meat up in this beeyotch. Who’s next, Team Bachelor?

No, really — who is that? Carl? A firefighter from Andi’s season? If you say so. (Man, Team Bachelor is really going deep into the archives for some of these choices.) Anyhow, Ashley I. isn’t impressed, but some of the other “ladies” are all aflutter. “Carl is the hottest guy who’s walked into Paradise so far,” purrs Emily. “He’s so my type.”

So the twin bats her eyelashes in Carl’s direction and lets him know that no, it’s not a problem that at 32 he’s nine years older than she is. To no one’s surprise, he asks Emily out. “I finally get to go on a date!” she gushes.

This is weird. Now another new guy is coming down the stairs. And he’s carrying… what is that? A lamp? Yes, yes it is.

It’s Brett, and apparently the lamp is a callback to his limo exit gag during Andi’s season. (I say “apparently” because once a season is over, my brain immediately erases any and all traces of it from my memory.)

Great, thanks for the refresher, guys. Even though Brett arrives wearing rolled-up ripped jeans, flip-flops and a loud, button-up shirt, the women find him very attractive.

Uh-oh, Amanda! Let’s hope Josh didn’t hear you say that — otherwise your name is going to be “b**** w****” for the rest of the day. Izzy’s feeling the heat, too. “I’m overwhelmed with how attracted I am to him immediately,” she says. Oh yeah, Vinny, you’re in trouble.

Brett says he came in with his eye on Caila, and he’s determined to ask her out even though she’s semi-linked to Jared. “I’m not gonna just settle,” he informs us. (Oh Brett, please teach Carly your ways!) Brett pulls Caila aside for a chat, which seems to go quite well. When it’s Ashley’s turn to talk to Brett, she gives him some advice that really serves her interests more than his: “Anyone’s an option… Ask out whoever you want to ask out.” Ashley may insist that she’s over Jared and is now a “brand new person,” but a stalker doesn’t change her spots, now does she?

That said, at least Ashley knows what she wants. When Brett asks Caila out, she says yes to him… then tells Jared she won’t go… then tells him she will go… then tells Brett she won’t go… then she announces, “Let’s go on this date!”… and that’s followed quickly by, “Wait, no.”

Good God, Princess Perfect Hair — is that your final answer? “This bitch needs to make up her mind!” groans Emily. “Because I need to go get ready!” Finally, Caila makes her choice: “Let’s do it!” Ashley is thrilled, while Jared finds himself sinking into a self-hate hole. “I think I deserve this, though,” he tells Carly, running through all the girls he’s dumped in the past on Paradise. Now, “I’m getting dumped for a lamp.” A tattooed lamp, at that.

Caila and Brett’s outing turns out to be a booze-cruise double date with Emily and Clark Kevin Kurt Scott Carl. (“He’s so hot I forgot his name!” sighs Emily, dreamily.) Not that she needs to know Carl’s name to make out with him and wrap her legs around his bare torso. “She’s riding him like Seabiscuit,” notes Brett. “Kudos to them.”

The drunken, hormone-heavy atmosphere appears to be making Caila a little uncomfortable, and she politely rebuffs Brett’s attempts to give her a lap dance.

“Caila’s not vibing the booze cruise, nor is she vibing me,” says Brett. “Maybe Caila wasn’t the best choice for this date.” That only becomes more clear once Caila admits to Brett that she’s just been thinking about Jared all day. You hear that, Ashley? Hope you enjoyed your alone time with Jared, hon, because that “backstabbing whore” has just arrived to steal your patchy-faced man… again.

Oh look! Ashley’s crying.

But maybe… maybe things are finally starting to sink in. “Jared doesn’t want to be with me, and I need to keep remembering this,” she says. “No matter how much I love him, he… doesn’t want to be with me.” Congratulations, Ashley! That is the sanest thing you’ve ever said.

With Caila back in Jared’s arms, what does that mean for Brett? I’ll give you a hint: She’s blonde and is not named Emily. “Haley is available and kinda into me,” says Brett. “So sayonara, Daniel. Haley will be mine. Game over.” Oh, you silly, silly boy.

Welcome this guy! If you have no recollection of him, don’t feel bad. “I’m best remembered — as bad as it sounds — for not being remembered,” admits Ryan gamely. “I’m just like the normal guy that has bad jokes, bad dancing, no game. It’ll be different. I think it’ll be refreshing.”

And maybe he’s right. “I would say yes to him if he asked me out on a date,” says Unattached Twin. Jared, though, tries to steer Ryan toward the albatross known as Ashley… but she spends her whole chat with Ryan talking about Jared. Hey Haley, ready to go on a date? Of course she is. Things aren’t looking good for Daniel — not that he’s worried.

All right, pal. The next day Haley and Ryan head off to a picturesque waterfall, where two horses await them, all saddled up and ready to suffer the indignity of taking yet another tourist on a trail ride.

Back at Playa Escondida, Grant has finally convinced Team Bachelor to let him do “something special” for Lace — in this case, a couple’s massage. And she LOVES it. “I’m in heaven right now,” Lace murmurs into her face cradle, as a silent masseuse rubs oil onto her back. “You know how to make me feel special.” Then they slide their greasy bodies into a nearby hot tub for a heart-to-heart.

Lace can’t believe what she’s hearing (maybe because it’s only been about 3 weeks).

Naturally, she wants to hear more. “What is it about me that you, like, love?” she half-giggles. “Like, what is it?” Grant says he loves Lace because she cares about people with her whole heart — and while she’s not ready to say the l-word back to Grant, Lace can “see a future” with him. Awwww… I’m sure there’s nothing that’ll tear these two lovebirds apart.

Speaking of unbreakable couples, while Grant and Lace are gettin’ lovey in the hot tub, Izzy and Vinny are gettin’ schmoopy in the pool.

“I’m confident in what Izzy and I have,” says Vinny. “I can see there’s a future there.” If only Izzy were as sure about her feelings. “I have certain doubts,” she admits. She doubts, for example, that she’ll be able to stop herself from jumping Brett’s bones: “If I could create some sort of perfect man, I would want to be with somebody that looks like Brett.”

Izzy is determined that she won’t leave Paradise with regrets, so that night she pulls Brett aside for a chat on one of the beach beds. “I think that it’s important to keep your options open,” she tells him. “When you walked in, it made me kind of re-think things a little bit.” Naturally Brett is psyched — the women are handing out roses this week and now that Caila’s shot him down, he needs to find another port to dock in.

Flirting with Brett was the easy part; now Izzy needs to let Vinny in on her desire to roam free. “I feel like I’m 75 percent sometimes,” she tells him, adding that when Brett walked in “my stomach flipped. I was like, he’s very attractive… The fact that I’m, like, thinking that is what worries me.”

Ugh, poor Vinny. He may not be the hottest guy there, and he’s definitely not the smartest guy there, but he seems like a very decent guy — and it’s no fun to watch a decent guy cry. “Wow, that really hurts,” he says sadly, wiping tears away. In the confessional, though, Vinny really lets his anger out: “You’re gonna talk to some dude for 10 minutes, and you’re just gonna throw what we have out the window? Because he looks good? With jeans and f***ing sandals? Get the f**k out of here.”

After a sleepless night, Vinny tells the guys about his Izzy’s “change of heart,” and like supportive bros, they are indignant on his behalf. “She was 100 percent with you when new girls were coming in,” scoffs Grant. “Then these guys start showing up and now you want to act weird and have an attitude and act distant?” Carly, meanwhile, is pretty disgusted that Izzy could want to throw Vinny over based solely on Brett’s alleged good looks. Seriously — how shallow can you be? (Reminder: This is Bachelor in Paradise. There is no such thing as “too shallow.”)

Vinny thinks the best thing for him to do is leave Paradise, but first he wants to talk to Izzy and get “closure.” Unfortunately, Izzy’s still up in her treehouse hotel room putting her face on. You know what that means: As Lace’s hairdryer begins to drone, we fade to…

The previews promise lots of real tears from Izzy, fake tears from Ashley, a fight between Grant and Lace, and the arrival of Janner, Paradise’s sole functional couple. Can’t wait! Until then, rose lovers, let me know your thoughts about tonight’s episode. Is Izzy making a big mistake or a huge mistake? Does Grant even know what love is? And what’s that guy’s name again — Cory? Conrad? Cole? Post your thoughts now, and I’ll meet you back here tomorrow.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.