What Is Avoidant Attachment, and Is It Influencing My Relationship?
We all know that one person who just can't handle closeness. Maybe it's the guy who works 80-hour weeks and needs his "me time" on the weekend, so he just can't schedule more than one date night a week. Or it's the woman who fills her social calendar with casual date after casual date, but never commits to anything serious. These people have what's called an avoidant attachment style.
"Avoiders often subtly indicate that they are not available when the topic turns to spring time with friends or a romantic partner," explains life and relationship coach Chuck Rockey. "They often pick out things that are wrong about a partner and focus on those things as reasons to distance themselves from their partners and then later regret the loss of connection. Naturally, they often do things alone and it takes a while for them to notice that it's an unfulfilling state of affairs."
This style of relating to others actually goes back to how the "avoiders" experienced intimacy in childhood, according to experts. And while it comes from years and years of keeping themselves at arm's length from others, even the most dedicated avoidant detachers can learn to become more comfortable with the intimacy their partners crave.
Identifying an avoidant attachment style
There are two types of avoidant attachment styles: dismissive-avoidant and fearful or anxious-avoidant, explains Seaside Counseling Center owner and therapist Rachel (Bauder) Cohen, MSW, LCSW. Someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often sees themselves as independent and able to "go it alone." They often maintain strict boundaries, can be emotionally distant, and have a hard time opening up to their partners or making and keeping close friendships.
"A person who has a fearful-avoidant attachment style is conducting a balancing act," Cohen explains. These people have a fear of abandonment, so they may give off mixed signals: pushing their partner away and later pulling them back in. They also have few close friendships, for fear of losing them and ending up alone.
How to tell if someone is avoidant
While it's never a good idea to armchair diagnose your partner — or yourself — there are some personality traits or habits that an avoidant person may display. Relationship expert David Bennett of Double Trust Dating notes that there are a number of signs to look for. Those include keeping the relationship shallow or surface-level, focusing on sexual intimacy without emotional closeness, running "hot and cold" with their affection, pulling away when someone starts getting close, resisting vulnerability, or repeatedly sabotaging relationships.
"If you shy away from intimacy, feel trapped by it, it makes you angry, you often think about breaking up with your partner, or regret breaking up with your partner after some time has passed, you probably have an avoidant detachment style," adds Rockey.
A number of online quizzes and assessments can also help you figure out if you or a loved one tends toward avoidant attachment. You and your partner may consider taking one together, so you can both determine your attachment styles and how to work with them in the context of your relationship. "Once you dig in deep to characteristics of the different attachment styles, you probably will be able to sense where you are falling," notes Cohen.
What causes an avoidant attachment style
As Rockey put it, people with avoidant attachment "come by it honestly," learning their attachment style from their parents at a very early age. Parents of children who grow up avoidant are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive for much of the time, which teaches kids not to rely on affection from them. Studies show these parents disregard or ignore their children’s needs, discouraging crying and leading to those children becoming unusually independent at an early age.
Because they weren't rewarded for sharing their emotions as kids, avoidant adults also have a hard time with that type of intimacy as they grow older. Rockey notes that identifying these roots is a great place to start, when determining if you or your partner is avoidant. "This will help you see the patterns more objectively, as primarily a reaction to your environment as young children," he says. That's the first step in a path toward healthier, more secure attachment.
Working on avoidant attachment
While changing your attachment style is hard work, it's both possible and rewarding. Cohen notes that journaling, meditation, and doing intimacy exercises as a couple can all help. In addition, therapy is a great way to dig deeper into your insecurities with the help of a professional, but there are some methods you can also try at home.
"First, seek out relationships with someone with a secure attachment style," says Bennett. He also suggests working toward vulnerable communication slowly, since it can take practice. "Focus on taking one vulnerable action each day, like admitting a weakness or asking your partner for help," he adds.
Finally, get in touch with how you're feeling when your partner wants to get closer and try to push back against your urge to pull away. "Acknowledge the thought, acknowledge the discomfort, and choose to communicate with your partner and retain the connection despite the discomfort," Bennett recommends. "This is how you help your emotional brain accept and make change."
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