Michael Ian Black: Donald Trump, Jr. is Triggered by Biden Having a Sex Life

Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast
Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast

We received some critical information regarding the 2024 presidential race this week: Joe Biden fuuuucks. In a widely disseminated (pun intended) response to a question about the secret to a good marriage, Biden reportedly said, “Good sex.”

And thus, a news cycle was born.

Those two words neatly sum up the Stupid Season in which we currently find ourselves. Within them are encoded the election’s central narrative concerning Gampy Joe, namely that he’s too old. By alluding to his apparently healthy libido, Biden is essentially pushing up the bridge of his Ray-Bans, revving his Corvette, and adjusting the man meat in his Dockers.

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Dark Brandon’s getting his swerve on.

Now look, do I really need to hear about my president’s bedroom escapades? I wish I could say I do not, but the truth is, I very much do. If I’m honest with myself, you bet I need to know how often presidents get it on, and with whom.

We’re humans—nothing is more interesting to us than, to quote Aretha Franklin, “who’s zoomin’ who.” Presidential libidos have been the subject of tongue-wagging since the days of Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, both of whom had problems with matters of the penile variety. I mean, how else would we have ever learned the name Monica Lewinsky?

So it wasn’t surprising to me that the media ran with the story. News outlets across the world ran wink-wink, nudge-nudge items. Just typing the key words “Biden ‘good sex’” yielded over a million hits. Chances are a lot of those hits are about his son, Hunter Biden, but still. Stephen Colbert even produced a parody commercial for his show featuring a Joe Biden sex hot line, “1-800-CMON-JACK.”

And, of course Donald Trump Jr. had to chime in: “There’s literally no amount of Viagra on earth that’s going to give Joe Biden (who can barely walk without falling over) wood. Just stop!” he wrote on the site formerly known as Twitter.

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It’s such an offensive comment. Not because of its content but because he mangled the punchline by inserting the extraneous parenthetical remark. That being said, the content ain’t great, either.

He followed his first comment with a second: “The more desperate they become trying to make him seem young and vibrant the more obvious it is to everyone that he’s not up to any task!”

Trump Jr.—who does not use cocaine—is making the point that old people are old. Which is tautologically unassailable. We know Joe Biden is old, we know that old men sometimes use Viagra (although we don’t know if the president does), and we can therefore infer that an older body equates to an enfeebled mind. But is that a fair intellectual leap for Don Jr. to make?

It is certainly true that sometimes older people are forgetful, such as when an older gentleman confuses a photograph of his wife with an image of the woman he was found liable of sexually assaulting. These things happen. But the state of the Presidential Wood is not germane to whether or not the man is up to running the country. (Pun, again, intended.) What I hate about Trump Jr.’s remark is the way he’s able to metaphorically snort a gentle PG-13 joke into one nostril and have it blast-off as gross NC-17 bro-snot from the other.

Because that is what the Trumps do, time and time and time again. If the Trumps were X-Men, this would be their mutant power: They can’t help but debase everything into which they come into contact. They have yet to discover a pile of gold they cannot turn to shit. They literally cannot open their mouths without a turd falling out.

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Look, I’m not thrilled with Joe Biden’s age, either. I don’t love the idea of Biden staring down the big 9-0 at the end of his second term. I, too, wish he was a younger man. Guess what? I wish I was a younger man, too, but that’s not the way time works. Nor do elections work by wishing the candidates were somehow different than they are.

At the moment, I’ll trade the three years and change Trump has on Biden for Biden’s character, intellect, empathy, moral center, and grace. It’s also worth noting that the first lady didn’t contradict Biden’s comment about the quality of their sex life. To contrast, the only commentary I’ve ever heard about Trump’s skill as a lover came from Stormy Daniels who said sex with Trump was the “least impressive” she’s ever had.

Do I think Trump’s allegedly mushroom-resembling dick disqualifies him from being president? No, I do not. Nor do I think his advanced age disqualifies him. What disqualifies the twice-impeached, half-a-billion-dollars-in-the-hole, four-times-criminally-indicted Donald Trump from ever entering 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue again is literally EVERYTHING ELSE.

So Joe Biden has a healthy attraction for his wife. Good for him. What I don’t get is why Joe Biden’s sex life leaves Don Jr. so butt-hurt.

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