"I don't see why I have to do what her parents don't care to do," the mom rationalized, asking Reddit for advice
A mom on Reddit never questioned her method of saving for her family until discussing a TikTok with friends.
The original poster (OP) shared her situation on Reddit's AmITheA--hole subreddit, explaining that when she first met her husband, she was childfree, while he was a dad to a daughter from a previous relationship.
Because of the nature of their careers and while his ex got "her stuff together," OP "immediately took on caring for" his then 4-year-old at the time they got together.
"All of that to say; since she was 4 I have taken an active role in parenting/nurturing her even when I was told I’m not her mother and have no say even though I did/do 99% of her care and needs when she is with us," OP shared, explaining that soon after, she and her partner welcomed two children of their own.
"When I found out I was pregnant [with my first], I immediately started a savings account and routed money to there every pay period. Once I got pregnant again, I doubled the amount so that my kids could have an equal amount," she explained. "I told my partner about this in passing, but he didn't really care. He doesn’t contribute to the account it’s only me and I’m the only one with access."
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The subject of savings came up between the couple again "months later," with OP noting, "I asked him if he and her mother started saving for her and he said they hadn’t discussed it or ever started anything. I said he probably should, since as her mother isn’t reliable in terms of money and our two will in fact be given that money after graduation and I don’t want any animosity over it."
OP's partner agreed with her and she believed that was the end of the conversation until she was out with her own friends and a TikTok about saving money for kids came up in conversation.
"I said my kids both have accounts and money specifically set up for them. They asked about my bonus daughter and I said, 'I will ensure she is safe, fed, and knows she is loved when she is with us but she’s not my child or my responsibility. So why would I take away from my bio kids to give to her when she has two parents that can do for her what I do for mine alone?'"
OP admitted that her friends gave her "some push back" about her response and asserted that OP should do for her bonus daughter what she does for her own kids if she's truly accepting of the situation.
"I agree which is why I make it a point to buy her what I buy my kids and treat her as such when she’s with us. Most strangers don’t know she’s not mine unless we tell them. But I don’t see why I have to do what her parents don’t care to," she reasoned, asking Redditors for their opinion on the matter.
While many people believe that OP was doing what she was responsible for, one commenter posed that she might reconsider her approach.
"Your partner and his ex sound like pretty irresponsible parents, and it sounds like you’re in it (or planning to be in it) for the long haul with this guy. You say you do 99% of this girl’s care. You are this girl’s de facto parent," they wrote.
"You may be very aware of the division between your kids and her, but is she? Does she and will she grow thinking of you as a parent, of you and your partner as a parental unit? How will she feel about all this one day? It just feels intensely unfair for her to get left behind because her bio parents are kinda sucky," they continued.
"If I were you, I’d set aside for her as well while pushing her father to do it and his ex. Ideally they pick up the slack there and you don’t have to continue contributing indefinitely, but she ends up in the same place as her siblings."
OP responded to some criticisms, explaining her situation a little more in-depth.
"My bonus daughter is not treated any differently by me. She is loved, happy, and always excited when it’s our time with her ... We talk daily and I adore her like my own kids. This post wasn’t about how I treat her bc I treat her great. It was about money and SPOILER, she is 8 years old. Money isn’t on her radar right now so I have time to make a decision on starting an account for her if I feel like doing so," she leveled, asking that people "please don’t project that onto my situation."
"Money doesn’t equate to love. Nor does it mean I love her any less," she concluded.
After the varied feedback, OP shared an update noting that she and her partner decided on "opening a secret savings account her mother doesn’t know about in order to ensure she isn’t left out when the time comes and they’re all of age."
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