The span of life: From baby showers to memorial services, she’s absorbed many lessons
24 graduations: Three months ago, in anticipation of our most social child graduating high school, I bought 12 gift cards from a department store and several packs of graduation cards to go with them. Three weeks later, when the size of his and our social circles became apparent, I went back for another 12 sets of gifts and cards.
Many of the invitations were on Facebook, so we simply marked whether we could go or not, but each paper invitation went on the front of the refrigerator. When returning home from a party we moved them to the side because that’s where the photo cards of kids that have been a part of our lives go. Yesterday we moved the last one.
Eight weddings: The year I was 26, I attended eight weddings of my friends. That was my record wedding year.
As the invitations for the eight wedding year and beyond began to roll in, I put the dates in my Filofax, put those lovely cards in a messy pile on my kitchen table, supplemented my inventory of Maggie London dresses, and stocked up on pretty frames and serving dishes to give as gifts. As each wedding approached, I called to make hotel reservations, carefully selected my plus ones, and attended far too many bridal showers for my taste.
I learned a lot from those weddings, mostly about what to do for my own and that was to avoid anything fancy, to reflect our own personalities and to skip the shower.
As often happens after weddings, I was then invited to baby showers and the process was similar except I stocked up on kids’ books because I had no idea what babies needed but I knew everyone needs books.
These days, the brides and grooms have, mostly, shifted from my own friends to children of those friends and friends of my own children. I have not yet attended one for my own kids, but as they are stepping into their mid-20s, I know those are coming.
A funeral: Something else that I know is coming: funerals and celebrations of life.
I have attended many for “older” people and recently one for a dear cousin-by-marriage who was close enough to my age that I’m still muttering about the unfairness of life. That process involved hastily booking a flight and hotel room and traveling as quickly as possible.
When I returned home, I put the memorial card from his funeral on my desk. I like having a part of him there so there I suspect that this will be part of that process going forward.
I can’t pass on any lessons learned for funerals of people my own age. I, thankfully, don’t have much experience, but I suspect that you operate from your heart, in the moment and there’s no bulk cards or gifts to adequately mark the occasion.
Even with my limited experience, I know this: W.H. Auden’s poem, “Funeral Blues” focuses on the emotions of the last gathering we have, but it has this stanza that reminds me that before the last “party” — before we remember the life of someone we care about — we get to live that life with them.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song…
Now that’s something to celebrate.
Susan is a Kansas City based Writer and Podcaster. She is co-host of the long-running, award winning women’s history podcast, The History Chicks.
