Sucking up to Donald Trump 101: A wannabe's guide for the Republican debate
Former president and current criminal defendant Donald Trump is likely to skip this week’s GOP presidential primary debate, so the event could use a jazzy title to get Republican viewers pumped up.
“The Sycophantic Square Dance”?
“The Bumbling Battle for No. 2”?
“Unctuous Side-Stepping for Dummies”?
"Suck-Up-Palooza"?
Republican primary debate will be a festival of tail-kissing
Look, here’s the bottom line: Trump is leading other GOP candidates by a mile, he knows it and he sees no reason to take the stage with the likes of Ron DeSantis, Doug Burgum, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott or Allan Throm.
To prove how unknown some of these candidates are, I just made up Allan Throm. And I bet he’d still poll better than actual GOP candidates who may not qualify for the debate, like Miami Mayor Francis Suarez and former Republican Rep. Will Hurd of Texas.
We have a long way to go until voting begins, of course, but at the moment, Trump’s recent boast – “Let them debate so I can see who I MIGHT consider for Vice President!” – seems tragically realistic.
To debate, Republican candidates must pledge fealty, probably to Trump
That’s horrifying when you consider that Trump, aside from continuing to deny the fact that he lost the last election, has been indicted four times on state and federal charges that include racketeering and conspiracy to defraud the United States. Also, lest we forget, earlier this year Trump was found guilty of sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll. In July, the judge in that civil case clarified that the jury had, in fact, found that the former president “raped” Carroll.
Which brings us to Wednesday night’s debate in Milwaukee. The Republican National Committee is making every candidate who wants to be on the stage sign a pledge to support the eventual nominee. Given where the primary polling stands now, with Trump ahead of his closest competitor (DeSantis) by nearly 40 points, candidates who sign that pledge will be acknowledging they’re fine with another Trump presidency, even though he’s a quad-indicted sore loser whose only discernible talent is making up mean nicknames for his political opponents.
That seems disqualifying to me, for Trump and all the others, but what do I know?
Republican voters want Donald Trump. And his vice president? How about more Trump?
Mealy mouthed criticisms of Trump's criminal charges show how spineless his primary competitors are
The only GOP candidates thus far who have spoken out forcefully against Trump are former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who will only make the debate stage if he signs the pledge (talk about a deal with the devil), and former Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson, who on Sunday told USA TODAY he has met the donor threshold to participate.
The other candidates have either defended Trump amid his ever-growing criminal charges, saying they’re all political (they’re not, at all), or found smarmy ways to say, “Well, the former president has a lot on his plate right now, so maybe someone like me who isn’t being victimized by mean liberals is a better choice.”
As long as the Mar-a-Lago megalomaniac is around, these candidates are pennies waiting for change and the debate, whether the former president is there or not, is merely a chance for them to dance for King Trump, ever hopeful he and his rabid base of MAGA minions will look on them kindly.
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Some prepared answers for GOP candidates looking to suck up to Trump
To help out, I’ve prepared a few answers to questions that Mike Pence, Vivek Ramaswamy, Jon Galston, Haley, Scott and the other candidates might be asked. (I made up Jon Galston, by the way. Gotcha again!)
Question: Do you believe Donald Trump’s legal issues make him unfit to be president?
Answer: Well, if there’s one thing President Trump is not it’s “unfit.” The man is the healthiest person I’ve ever met, and he’s also unbelievable handsome and strong. Just a powerful, robust man. I love him so much.
A promise to kiss the golden golf shoes!
Q: Do you agree the 2020 election was stolen from former President Trump, as he alleges?
A: There were definitely problems with that election. The primary problem was that the greatest president in the history of America was not declared the winner automatically thanks to his vast intelligence, kindness and decency. He truly made America great again, and so while I am humbly offering my services to lead the nation, I would certainly be unworthy of filling his magnificent golf shoes.
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I am nothing compared to King President Donald 'The Amazing' Trump!
Q: Why should Republican voters choose you over Donald Trump?
A: Should they? I mean, President Trump is a great, great, great man who is great. It’s possible he has made a mistake in his life, but I haven’t seen evidence of that. I’m just here to share my thoughts with the American people, and if they want to choose my wholesome friend Donald Trump over me, well, heck … I wouldn’t blame them a bit. In fact, I might choose him myself! (Pause for thunderous applause.)
Please, former President Trump, please pick me for vice president!
Q: Would you consider being Donald Trump’s vice president?
A: (All in unison.) YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!
And that would mark the end of the debate, at which time aides would scoop up the morally gelatinous candidates and put them back in their jars.
Should be a fun (and squirmy) night.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump to skip debate, but GOP candidates will make it all about him
