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An open letter to my niece’s rapist

Thinkstock
Thinkstock

[Trigger warning: The following content contains material that may be upsetting to survivors of sexual assault and/or to their family and loved ones.]

 On Jan. 18, 2015, you brutally raped my 17-year-old niece.

 It was at a condo in Alberta after someone—you? —slipped her the date-rape drug.

 I’m ashamed to admit it, but I had never fully grasped the true horror of sexual assault until you did what you did to my niece. It enrages me that you haven’t grasped the true horror of rape either.

To protect her identity, we’ll call my niece Denise. That evening, she went to a party with a friend we’ll call Rose in a part of town Denise had never been to before. Rose later left.

The car ride there is the last thing Denise remembers.

What happened after she got there still leaves me infuriated, heartbroken, and dumbfounded.

Denise woke up late the next morning fully clothed in that condo. She didn’t know where she was. She opened the door to the bedroom she was in. She saw three adult men, all strangers.

She ran, leaving her cellphone and jacket behind.

Once she got home, she felt groggy, disoriented, unwell. She went back to sleep.

Later that afternoon, she woke up sore. Down there. In both places.

She cried. And cried. And cried.

Then she told her mom. My older sister.

They went to the hospital, which referred them to the sexual assault centre. They were there through the night, for nearly 12 hours.

The attention they received there was exceptional, caring and compassionate. Staff told them that about 40 per cent of its cases are exactly like this one, where the victim has no memory of the assault.

Her mom watched as the police took photos of her daughter, saw the evidence of your savage assault on her skin. Helpless and horrified, she had her heart break again and again for her only child.

Denise was examined and found to have vaginal and anal tearing. Swabs were taken for DNA evidence and to test for sexually transmitted illnesses. She was given medication for chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, HIV and other diseases you may be carrying. She was given the morning-after pill to prevent becoming pregnant with your child.

I feel awful for all the young girls out there who wouldn’t have been able to tell their mom what happened and who would have had to go through all that alone.

She and her mom were exhausted when they got home at 6 a.m. Monday morning. Denise went back to bed. Her mom phoned me.

She cried. And cried. And cried.

The next day they went to the police. The forensic unit took pictures of the marks on Denise’s body: She had an enormous bruise in the form of a handprint on her inner thigh. She had a hickey on her neck. She had some kind of burn on her back; it was about two inches long and resembled the mark an iron would leave. (She never even gained consciousness while you were holding that hot object against her body. What was it?)

Her mom watched as the police took photos of her daughter, saw the evidence of your savage assault on her skin. Helpless and horrified, she had her heart break again and again for her only child.

Since that night so many months ago, Denise has, for the most part, moved on. But I guarantee you she has thought of you every single day since Jan. 18, as have her mother and father, as have I.

I live in another province (but you can bet if I did, I would have shown up at that condo the next day with a bunch of large, hired bodyguards). I can only guess what you look like, how old you are, what you do for work, whom you call friends, and what you do in your spare time. Oh wait. You sodomize young women who have been drugged into a coma-like state. Yet you have gripped my imagination, filled it with fury.

You have probably forgotten all about Denise—and all about the other young women you probably sexually assaulted before and probably have assaulted since. But she carries the trauma of that evening with her, and she will carry it with her until the day she dies. And so will those who love her.

Were you acting alone or did your friends join in on the attack?

They can’t begin to comprehend how this could happen, why you would ravage their granddaughter, how any human being could inflict such physical, emotional, mental, and sexual harm on another, especially someone so innocent, so trusting, so young. Denise was the flower girl at my wedding. I first held her when she was six weeks old.

Regardless, with your awful acts, you have proven that rape doesn’t just affect the victim. It’s an assault on an entire family.

Imagine telling this story to her grandparents, her mom’s mom and dad. At 85, these two Prairie folk are remarkably lucid and spry. They’ve lived through some terrible times, but they’ve never experienced anything like this. They can’t begin to comprehend how this could happen, why you would ravage their granddaughter, how any human being could inflict such physical, emotional, mental, and sexual harm on another, especially someone so innocent, so trusting, so young. Denise was the flower girl at my wedding. I first held her when she was six weeks old and have bragging rights to getting her first smile.

What were you doing that Sunday while Denise was getting medical care? Were you watching sports, drinking beer, boasting about your actions, or getting off on memories of rough sex with an unconscious minor? Or had you already forgotten her by then?

I wonder what happened to you to make you able to do this, if you were abused yourself during your youth, if you grew up in a broken home without any love and affection. You must know on some level that what you are doing is wrong. But do you know how deeply you have scarred not just Denise but all those who love and care for her?

A part of me wants to sit down with you and explain all this to you face to face, to help you understand just how far-reaching the implications of your actions have been and continue to be. I want you to apologize and feel remorse, to learn and become a better person, to turn your life into something positive. Part of me wants to forgive you. Another part of me wants to see you suffer terribly like every other girl and woman in the world who has been raped.

It has been many months since you raped my 17-year-old niece. She is loved and she is strong. She has gone to counselling and will probably go again. She will overcome, and we will all move forward.

But you will never vanish completely from our thoughts. You have harmed Denise the most, but you have hurt so many.

 If you are victim of sexual violence, you're not alone. Find crisis centres, hotlines and support groups across the country here.