Taking a summer vacation with your dysfunctional family? Experts offer ways to help

Whether it’s a small birthday get-together at a park or a trip with your folks out of town for a long weekend, every family is dysfunctional to a certain degree, experts say.

Licensed therapists spoke with McClatchy News to discuss ways that may help manage the stress of going away with dysfunctional family members, especially when you’re feeling cornered.

Knowing your family

Maggie Holland, a licensed therapist and mental health counselor based in Washington, said although “the answer isn’t black and white, ... you have to really listen to yourself and hone in on what feels realistic to you.”

“If you have a parent that doesn’t show a lot of potential for growth or doesn’t like to be confronted with hard truths about themselves, acceptance is probably the best route,” Holland said in a phone interview with McClatchy News. “Setting boundaries within that acceptance is probably the best route.”

Holland said she has her clients set realistic expectations for themselves and for their family members.

See it for what it is and prepare

Holland said if you’re going on vacation with your dysfunctional family or family members, “really take stock of the situation.”

“What are the dysfunctions? What are the patterns that usually play out?” Holland said. “What are the roles you’re expected to play for different family members and in different interactions?”

Holland advises people to ask themselves questions ahead of the trip, like “What exactly is it about this dysfunction that is hard for you? Does it bring up anger? Does it bring up sadness and grief?” Holland said. “What does this dysfunction mean to you and how does it impact you?”

Julie Stein, a licensed therapist, told McClatchy News the first step is knowing in advance that problems could happen.

“Everyone has different needs and everyone changes,” she said in a phone interview. “We revert to our default setting as our role in the family.”

Stein said if you tend to get overwhelmed or tend to shut down, coming up with ideas to help manage in advance may be helpful – even if it’s sneaking away to the bathroom to practice deep breathing for five minutes.

“Even if it’s just a before trip acknowledgment that things will not be perfect,” Stein said.

Ways to help manage

Stein said people going on trips with their family and their partner should keep their partner in the loop.

“If you’re going there with your partner, talking with your partner about a code word beforehand can be helpful if you’re getting overwhelmed,” she said. “Or just saying to your partner ‘can you come into the other room with me for a few minutes so we can check in?’”

With the preparation of knowing the situation you’re about to enter, you’ll more easily be able to “pause before you react to someone’s ridiculous political comment or someone’s ridiculous food need,” she said. “Look at it as your second draft reply, not your first draft reply.”

Stein said although in situations like these you might have to compromise, you can do so with integrity.

“If you’re having someone spout off ridiculous political beliefs, you’re not going to change that,” Stein said. “You can say something like ‘I don’t feel comfortable with this conversation’ or you can say ‘I can’t talk about this on my vacation so I’m going to step out until you guys are done with the topic.’”

People are consistent, and you need to take care of yourself with boundaries being key, she said.

Boundaries of our yes and our no

Sofiya Kostareva, a licensed therapist who focuses on women and people who identify as LGBTQ, invites people to “know for yourself the boundaries of what you’re happy to do and what you’re not interested in doing or talking about.”

“Prior to entering a situation where you know there’s bound to be tension, just kinda reflecting for yourself ‘what are hard nos?’ and ‘what feel like yeses?’” she said in a phone interview.

Kostareva said when we offer a strict “no” to someone, it might incite conflict, but when we know what a “yes” is and offer an alternative, things can go over a bit smoother.

“If the first practice is knowing your ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ knowing your limits of what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do, the secondary part of that could be what are the clues to know you’re about to approach your limit,” she said.

Kostareva said the boundaries of our “yes” and our “no” can vary from person to person. For some, their “yes” might be “I’m happy to do one group tour together for a topic that’s not interesting to me,” and the boundaries of their “no” could be “I’m not interested in talking about politics.”

When expressing your “no,” you can offer a “yes” right after, she said.

“You can say something like ‘I’m not willing to engage in this conversation right now but I’d love to spend time together later on this tour we’re doing,’” Kostareva said.

Take a moment to notice what can tell you that “you’re hitting your max,” she said. An example being “getting headaches, or getting into a cycle of thoughts where you have self doubt, or maybe you get really snappy and judgmental.”

She goes on to say that although “it totally makes sense that we deserve to get the things we need and we deserve to be treated with respect, when it comes to family who we don’t often times choose, there’s this reality type of practice where we don’t set ourselves up to think ‘maybe it’ll be different this time.’”

“Suffering often happens in the distance between our expectations and what is actually happening,” she said.

The stress is in our suffering, she said. With this mindset of acceptance, the outcome might be different than before.

Each expert was in agreement that boundaries, a bit of preparation and shifting your mindset to thinking in a more accepting way of family members’ reactions and behaviors can make for a less tense vacation.

“Feeling helpless is one of the more difficult aspects when dealing with family members that we can’t change and that we have dysfunctional relationships with, but there’s almost always an opportunity to make a decision,” Kostareva said. “Get curious about where’s the decision point that you can make for yourself that can help you feel respected, safe and that doesn’t compromise your authentic self to live in this dynamic.”

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