A Real American’s Guide to the Coronation of King Charles III
The world’s spotlight will be on London this weekend as King Charles III is crowned during the United Kingdom’s first coronation in 70 years. (I’m honestly not sure why they waited this long, these things seem like a real boon for tourism.)
Like most Americans, I’m unfamiliar with the history and traditions of the Royal Family, so I set out to learn what all the coronation fuss is about. That quickly became hard and, also like most Americans, I worried it might get in the way of me going to a buffet or not caring about other countries.
I considered reaching out to some British people to gather factual information about the event, but over a brief post-lunch/pre-dinner buffet, the path forward became clear. I would just do what so many Americans do these days: Sidestep facts and believe what I want to believe!
With that, I proudly give you this accurate-as-far-as-I’m-concerned “Real American’s Guide to the Coronation of King Charles III.”
The reason for King Charles' coronation
King Charles III — more famously known as the late Princess Diana’s derpy husband — officially became King when his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, died last September. (All of England’s queens and kings have Roman numerals after their names to honor one of England’s most famous inventions: the sequel.)
While he technically is already the United Kingdom’s head of state, he must abide by this phrase, coined by King Athelstan, the first king of England, in the year 927: If you like your monarch then you better put a crown on him.” Thus the coronation, where the crown gets plunked on the royal noggin.
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The much-anticipated event starts Saturday morning in London, which is last Thursday evening here in the United States.
It begins with a procession. King Charles III and his wife Camilla, who is called the Queen Consort even though “Consort” is not her name, board the Diamond Jubilee State Coach, which is actually a pumpkin some fairy godmother bibbedy-booped into a fancy carriage.
The carriage goes from Dragonstone Castle to Westminster Abbey, the church where The Beatles recorded their famous “Abbey Road” album.
The royal couple will exit the carriage and then stand before the famed Sorting Hat. If, as expected, the Hat declares them king and queen, the two will then enter Westminster Abbey singing The Beatles’ “Here Comes the Sun,” as has been tradition since the coronation of William the Conqueror in 1066.
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The coronation process: A glorious mix of folding chairs and trivia
Once in Westminster Abbey, the King and the Queen Consort will be seated on gold-plated folding chairs beneath the statues of John, Paul, George and Ringo.
In various stages, King Charles III will be presented with important royal items, including the Sovereign's Sceptre with Cross, the Sovereign's Orb and the Sovereign’s Keys to the Royal Lavatory.
He will then be asked a series of important English trivia questions, ranging from “Which monarch preceded Queen Elizabeth II?” to “In the wake of the British punk explosion, what year did the band Joy Division release its seminal album ‘Unknown Pleasures’?”
A number of additional fussy bits will follow, and then St. Edward's Crown will be placed on the King’s head, making him look absolutely ridiculous given that it’s the year 2023 and nobody wears those things.
A splendid return to the palace for fish and chips
The King and Queen Consort will leave Westminster Abbey and board a different carriage, the ornate, 260-year-old Gold State Coach. It has been a part of coronations since King William IV and is used in other major state events, although it was briefly replaced in 1998 with a Pontiac Firebird equipped with a 200-watt Alpine CD player. (The Firebird was deemed “overly gauche” by the British press, so the Royal Family returned to the Gold State Coach in 1999, but they kept the CD player and installed it in the carriage because it kicked ass.)
As dragons fly overhead, the newly crowned King will slip his favorite CD – Queen’s Greatest Hits, naturally – into the player and the crowds lining Farthington Street (that sounds right) will dance and sing along to the same Freddie Mercury tunes all past monarchs have enjoyed.
Once they return to Hogwarts, the royals will celebrate with a traditional British meal of fish and chips, boiled meats and English muffins.
Starting the next morning, the entire country and the rest of the world can forget they exist because they serve no real purpose beyond wearing silly hats and occasionally waving.
The end.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: King Charles' coronation: An American's guide to the crowning ceremony
