19 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Women This Week That'll Put Your Favorite Male Comedian To Shame
June is officially upon us!!! And IDK about you, but I'm ready to have a Caesar salad for lunch every single day for the next three months:
going to have a caesar salad girl summer. where i travel to destinations across the globe trying different caesar salads
— maha (@mahaaaay) May 28, 2024
Make sure to follow these funny ladies on Twitter (or X, whatever floats your boat)!
1.
my brother lost the costco membership in his divorce and had to get a new membership and is currently presenting paperwork to the costco people to prove he’s been a member since before may 2024 because he wants his “true” membership tenure on his card
— . (@xtyna_) May 27, 2024
2.
i love watching sex and the city in my 20s because it lets me know i can still be a dumb bitch in my 30s
— bailey moon (@Baileymoon15) May 26, 2024
3.
I’m done drinking, unless my friends want me to, or I’m out of town or if the weather is nice is the only exceptions
— Ҝ (@__kdash_) May 26, 2024
4.
it’s gonna be a joe biden summer (eating ice cream and forgetting where I am)
— boob dylan (@BYUsupersoaker) May 26, 2024
5.
back to bed. which is to say i was already in bed i’m simply descending into a deeper more nuanced level of the bed experience
— is that keri? (@itiskeri) May 25, 2024
6.
“i can fix him” no, i cant. im a leaver, a quitter and a walk awayer. i am my father’s daughter. i will leave him.
— abirightback🍉 (@abirighttback) May 26, 2024
7.
they should invent a swim suit that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself
— colby (@gofightswift) May 26, 2024
8.
changing my dating standards. do not approach me if you cannot properly operate a grill. leave me be if you would not wear a “grillmaster” apron at the memorial day party. fellas who wouldn’t make a single turkey burger for my one picky friend need not apply
— ellie schnitt! (@holy_schnitt) May 25, 2024
9.
What’s your guys’s love language, mine is earlier when bf took a profoundly unflattering photo of me eating then stared at it for several seconds and murmured “my little raccoon girl”
— maddie, hot dog enthusiast (@damnitmadeline) May 25, 2024
10.
*at my surprise party* “soo you guys like have a groupchat without me??"
— Soup (@soupinthering) May 25, 2024
11.
The reason I can’t parallel park isn’t because I’m a woman. The reason is because there are cars behind me and people watching and I’m SCARED.
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) May 23, 2024
12.
In my villain era but it’s just me using the word no
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 24, 2024
13.
Guys, it’s not that hard to impress a woman. Just start a union. Be the guy who unionized his workplace. It’s a huge turn on. Women love it.
— holly (@girlziplocked) May 25, 2024
14.
you walked the mile in middle school because you got winded from trying to run. i walked the mile in middle school because i thought the presidential fitness test was a directive coming straight from george w bush and if we ran on his orders it meant we supported the iraq war.
— #1 moral relativist worldwide (@commodifythis) May 24, 2024
15.
wanting a sweet treat all the time is humiliating why cant i calm the parasites
— sarah (@heavenbrat) May 24, 2024
16.
do you think god stays in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he's created pic.twitter.com/lDKME7xuYD
— marisa ingemi ✨ (@Marisa_Ingemi) May 24, 2024
17.
working at a nonprofit be like pic.twitter.com/TljWBgsWgA
— her (@horny4hooters) May 28, 2024
18.
Celebrities I am begging u to stop launching beverage lines and start getting serious. Where are the railroads? The concert halls? The amassing of steel? The bribing of senators? Feels like I’m dealing with a bunch of amateurs.
— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) May 29, 2024
19.
Whenever my therapist praises me for setting good boundaries, you can bet my mom is the most livid at me she’s ever been in her life
— Olga Khazan (@olgakhazan) May 28, 2024
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
23 Tweets By Women This Week That Are Certified Fresh And Certified Hilarious
